Demon-looking sock angel

A Crazy, Winged, Ding-Batty Thing’s Christmas

By Doreen Zyderveld-Hagel

I didn’t start out trying to make another bizarre looking sock puppet, I’m just good at it, I guess. 

It was supposed to be a sweet-looking Christmas angel as seen on Pinterest, but with a twist, and ended up twisted alright, Doreen’ style.

What nightmares are made of?

The finishing freaky touch — the eye balls made from Styrofoam and Googly Eyes.  I glued them on, and due to my poor vision, put them on lop-sided and it gave the puppet a whole new insane dimension.

If you thought that Jim Henson’s Muppets were strange looking, well Jimmy had nothing on me and my cockeyed angel.   

Being a Muppets fan from way back, Henson’s creations must have been my subconscious source of inspiration, much to my consternation and subsequent deviation, from the norm. 

The angel puppet was supposed to be for a Children’s Bible Story at church, where I occasionally grace the puppet stage with mostly Biblical characters and critters. 

However, the report is usually narrated by a sock puppet sea creature by the name of Sushi. 

Somehow in the darker recesses of my mind, I managed to conjure up this crazy-winged-ding-batty thing that didn’t resemble an angel at all. 

It also could have come to fruition as a result of spending way too much time as a teenager watching The Twilight Zone, hosted by Rod Sterling.

In any event, this middle aged teenager had a good laugh at my cracked out looking angel bug, and finally after some selfies were taken of my puppet I dubbed Flaky, I removed her eyes with surgical precision and gave her some nice soft symmetrical ones.

In spite of all this, I still had a senior ask me if I was trying to scare the children. Flaky’s face lift apparently was of no avail, as she was still hideous.

I guess I am just really good at bringing the bizarre to life. 

It doesn’t help that this whole Christmas thing has always been confusing, a mixed bag folklore, of Santa and his Elves, then throwing the birth of Jesus into it.

Regarding the sketchy Santa dude and his elvish accomplices, rumour has it there is some kind of slave labour camp in the North Pole. It is an ideal remote location where escape efforts are pointless, as the freezing temperatures outside keep the elves indoors and in check, along with being routinely brainwashed.

It is in Mr. Claus’s shop where the gnomes toil away, basically 24/7 making toys, and when they are finally finished, on Dec.24, they then reportedly over load a sleigh with the loot, then harness some hapless flying reindeer to it. 

The gentle little ungulates are then whipped into a frenzy, and forced to deliver the parcels around the world in 24 hours and under the tree on Dec. 25. The said sled is filled to the brim with toys for good girls and boys and lumps of coal for the naughty ones. 

However, it is the coal that is the culprit, which really bogs down the sleigh. 

Where are the Weigh Scales and the Commercial Vehicle Safety Enforcement Officers when you need them?  Sadly, there are none at the International Space Stations. 

Otherwise, Santa would face some hefty fines, have his vehicle impounded, and potentially face some criminal charges, and would have a whole lot of explaining to do. 

Along with these vehicular and labour infractions there is the issue of the B&Es. Santa is a master at squeezing through tight spaces and lock picking, whereby once illegally entering the premises, he theoretically only leaves gifts behind, and doesn’t pillage. 

Ho- Ho-Hogwash!

The whole yarn about Santa Claus would leave even the most innocent of minds suspicious. 

Concerning the birth of Jesus, he was not born on Dec. 25, but was likely born in the fall while the sheep were still out in the field guarded by shepherds, as December's weather is wet and cold in Bethlehem, much like here. 

There would be no green grass for the sheep to graze upon in December; hence the livestock would be safely tucked away in a barn, protected from the elements, with hay to eat. 

It would appear that somewhere along the line, someone came up with a great marketing plan and decided to amalgamate the ideas of Santa and his elves bringing gifts to children, meshing it with the account of the Three Kings bringing the baby Messiah presents, and a multi-trillion dollar industry was born. 

As mind boggling as it is, I, nonetheless, wish you all a Merry Christmas and to all, a Twilight!    

Doreen Zyderveld-Hagel is a Kelowna writer.

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.