Avoiding conflict resolution now will come back to bite you later

Conflict is something we all face, but I’m guessing very few of us enjoy it.

When it comes to volunteers, conflict usually feels even more uncomfortable and personal. Relationships, emotions and the mission itself are tightly connected, which makes it hard to address disagreements. But the cost of avoiding conflict is high. I learned the hard way.

Trust me, I’ve done my share of conflict avoidance. Early in my career, a volunteer I managed was —to put it mildly—less than ideal. I’ll call her Anne. Anne’s language toward some other volunteers was inappropriate, she was unreliable and she had a tendency to ignore safety rules.

At the time, I didn’t have the self-confidence to confront her. She had volunteered for the organization longer than I had been alive and she was more than willing to tell me I was out of my depth. So I tried to smooth things over with the others on the team and turned a blind eye to most of her behaviour, until I realized how many other volunteers were disappearing out of the program.

By the time I finally gathered my courage and confronted Anne, the conflict had grown to involve all the volunteers, most of whom felt let down or even betrayed by my lack of action. The environment had become so toxic the volunteer program was imploding.

Avoiding conflict doesn’t end it. If I had confronted Anne the first time I noticed her behaviour, I could have stopped it right there. The other volunteers would have felt supported and safe and we could all have focused on the mission rather than on one person’s behaviour. Anne eventually had to be terminated.

Why do we try avoiding conflict? There are a few common reasons we shy away from addressing conflict. Do any of these sound familiar?

• We care too much. We don’t want to risk losing a volunteer, especially if they are good in other ways. It’s easier to hope the issue will just fix itself over time.

• It’s uncomfortable. Let’s face it, no one likes the tension that comes with difficult conversations.

• We’re scared. What if we’re wrong, or over-reacting? What if they get us in trouble with the executive? What if they make a public fuss? Our minds love to create all kinds of worst-case-scenario stories, and that fear keeps us stuck.

Unfortunately, as I learned, avoiding conflict doesn’t make it go away. It just gets bigger, uglier and more entrenched. Whatever you’re ignoring now will come back and hurt you later.

There is a high cost to avoiding conflict. When we avoid conflict, there are real consequences, even if they aren’t obvious right away. Here are just a few you can expect:

• Unresolved conflict slows everything down. Problems just don’t go away, they linger and hold up the mission’s progress. Conflict on the team takes focus away from the cause.

• Unresolved conflict damages relationships. If you address an issue with someone early on, they have a chance to change their behaviour and for your relationship to grow stronger. It also shows other volunteers you have their backs. The longer you wait, the more resentment builds up and trust begins to crumble.

• Unresolved conflict creates awkwardness. It’s the elephant in the room. Even if you’re not talking about it, everyone feels the tension.

• Unresolved conflict escalates problems. Even small misunderstandings can turn into massive issues if ignored. Those who are impacted by the behaviour will quickly grow frustrated with your failure to act. And they will leave.

So, how do you handle conflict if you’re an “avoider”?

We know conflict will happen sometime. To become comfortable dealing with it, we need to practice ways of managing it before it spirals out of control.

• Do it, even if you’re scared. Yes, you’ll feel uncomfortable, and that’s OK. Acknowledge your fear. Then have the tough conversation anyway.

• Jump on it early. It’s much easier to address a small issue than a big, messy, deeply rooted conflict. Learn the early warning signs of budding conflict.

• Be curious. Don’t go in ready for a confrontation. Ask objective questions like, “Can you walk me through what happened?”

• Realize that disagreements can be healthy. Tackling concerns together can strengthen relationships and make future conversations that much easier.

• Remind yourself that practice makes perfect. Resolving conflict is a skill and, like all skills, the more you do it, the better you’ll get.

• Listen more than you talk. This one’s very hard for me, but I recognize its wisdom. People need to feel heard. Listening can diffuse tension and create space for compromise.

Conflict in a social impact organization doesn’t have to be destructive. In fact, it can be healthy and productive. As a leader of volunteers, you can’t avoid the discomfort of conflict, but you can learn to manage it for the sake of the team and your mission.

The next time you sense a conflict building, trust your gut and start the conversation. I think you’ll be glad you did.

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.