Your brain lies to you

Listening to my husband recount an experience we both shared, used to be like lighting the fuse on a stick of dynamite.

He would get all the details wrong until the memory was barely recognizable. Did I bite my tongue and keep my opinions to myself?

Of course not.

Naturally, he thought his memory was the accurate one and that mine was faulty. I’m sure our friends would shudder when we began to reminisce, knowing that there was a potential for fireworks.

Can you relate to this situation?

I have known for a long time that memories are unreliable. Every time you take one out, you change it and then file the new version.

What I didn’t discover until recently is that for streamlining purposes, memories are stored with only their key elements. It is as if the memory is reduced to a set of bullet points. The details take up too much room, so they are discarded.

Instead of sharing a minimalist version of memories, your brain fills in the missing details based on everything it knows about you. Your expectations, belief system, values, and emotional tendencies all help to embellish the bullet points.

When I listen to my husband telling his version of a memory, the details seem distorted because his brain made them up. In fairness, my version includes details that my brain created for the occasion, so I am unlikely to be any more accurate. I just think I am.

Retrieval and reconstruction happen so quickly, that you are probably unaware of the process. To you the memory was stored in its entirety and recalled with every minute detail.

Because no two people are the same, no two brains will add the same set of details even if the bullet points are identical.

This is important information, not only to help you accept that the person sharing the memory is not on the brink of brain failure, but also to help you. Don’t get sucked in to believing that your recollections are without fault.

If you become emotionally attached to your version of the tale, you may find yourself arguing over who’s recollection is the right one.

This is not a good situation for you or your memory.

Memories are porous. They are primed and ready to absorb any emotions that arise when they are being examined. This happens even if the memory and emotion are not related.

When I was 14, I ate a TV dinner and then developed unrelated stomach flu a few hours later. The food was fine, but I never ate another TV dinner after that. The memory of being so violently ill became linked with the specific food I had eaten.

This example shows how events and emotions get linked. With memories, the attachment of emotion may occur more slowly. You are probably not even aware it is happening.

Imagine you have a fight with your partner. In the heat of battle, he brings up a memory of something you did. Up until that point, you may have viewed the experience neutrally, or maybe even positively.

Retrieving the memory at the same time as you are experiencing negative emotion is like sprinkling negativity juice on a sponge. Regardless of whether it is justified or not, a little bit of the emotion of your argument will attach itself to the memory.

If the memory is consistently recalled when you are filled with negative emotion, it will soon be heavy with dark energy.

Remember, it is up to your brain to fill in the missing details. How you feel about a memory will affect the way your brain spins the story.

This is good news. If you can attach negative emotions to a memory that means you can also attach positive ones.

Be conscious of the memory you want to feel better about. Put yourself into a good frame of mind and then call it up. These feelings will attach themselves and begin to neutralize and eventually eradicate the unwanted ones.

You may need to do this more than once, depending on the intensity of the emotion already attached.

I was a very self-conscious teenager. I preferred to fly under the radar rather than put myself into the position of being judged and rejected.

One evening after the choir I was in had finished performing, a lady approached me. Without a word she reached for my skirt and zipped up the zipper.

I was mortified. Had I stood up in front of all those people with the zipper of my skirt undone?

Yes!

For years, I replayed the unfortunate event in my mind, dying of embarrassment each time. I was so ashamed that I kept the memory to myself and only replayed it in the privacy of my own head.

One night about 10 years later, I was at a dinner party when the conversation turned to embarrassing moments. I’m not sure if it was the wine or my increased confidence, but I shared my open zipper experience.

I am certain that the details my brain filled in for me were more dramatic and a tad over exaggerated from reality. The sharing of my tale resulted in a great deal of laughter, especially as it is an experience many people, especially men can relate to.

The memory took on a less black and devastating appearance. It became one of my favourite stories to share.

Knowing that your brain makes up the details in your memories is an empowering thought.

I no longer feel the need to correct my husband. I just smile to myself and privately enjoy all the wonderful details my brain has created for the memory. I am after all, a writer.

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.