Pulling marital weeds

When I first started writing this column, my greatest concern was whether I would be able to find enough new topics to write about.

I no longer worry about this. I trust something will happen in my life to spark my creative juices and get my fingers typing. Last week was no exception.

I was walking my dog when we met a lady who was looking after her daughter’s puppy. As is often the case when we encounter other dogs, we stopped to enjoy a sniff and pleasantries.

The conversation went pretty much as expected until we shared where we lived. Wanting to ensure she had the right house, she asked if there was a strange umbrella tree in my front yard.

I nodded and then she asked a question I wasn’t expecting.

“Why don’t you weed under your tree?”

Our property was landscaped in the 1990s and many of the plants have outgrown their spaces. What I’m sure was once a pretty bed with a small tree and some shrubs is now weeds and overgrown shrubs, shaded completely by the low canopy of a tree.

My first reaction when she asked the question was to come up with an answer, even though I didn’t have one prepared. I rambled on about how busy life is, and that bending in the confined space is hard on my back.

After thanking her for her tip of putting down plastic and gravel, I walked away with huge question marks bouncing around my brain. It felt like a bizarre question to ask someone you’ve only just met.

When you are taken off guard by a question or comment, there are three common reactions:

• you may respond negatively
• think about the words with curiosity as opposed to emotion
• take no notice of them at all.

If negative emotions well up inside you, the interaction has triggered you. When this happens, your mind perceives an attack and jumps into a defensive position.

Remember, survival is every human’s top priority.

If you are triggered or affected negatively by a question or comment, take time to explore what upset you. It is rarely the obvious things.

Let me give you an example.

About a year after we were married, I was taking frozen dinners out of the oven when my husband asked, “When are you going to start cooking real food?”

Cooking has never been my jam and after a day of work, it was the last thing I planned to do. These words triggered me, and I went for reaction one and exploded.

Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I wasn’t bothered by the fact I couldn’t cook, or that my husband was asking for a home cooked meal, I was triggered by what I perceived to be an attack on my ability to be a good wife.

I was insecure about who I was.

Today, I have a level of confidence that was missing in the early days of my marriage. It doesn’t matter what other people think, I am concerned with what I think.

Any time you get defensive, stop to figure out what set you off. Look below the surface; the reason is unlikely to be the obvious one.

Once you know the real reason you were triggered, you can do something to heal the wound, change your limiting beliefs, or do some confidence building.

The weed-pulling question didn’t trigger me, but I noticed it and it stuck in my head. Rather than assuming the unexpected question had no worth, I progressed to step two and examined it more closely.

Life is constantly changing, so it is good to examine new information to see if it is important. Assuming it isn’t prevents you from adjusting as needed.

With the pulling-weeds question still in my mind, I took a critical look at the tree, weeds, and overgrown shrubs from every angle.

Could drivers see around them as they turned the corner?

Yes.

Did they bring the price of houses in the vicinity down?

No.

Was there something I was missing?

Maybe, but I decided it wasn’t something I needed to spend my time thinking about.

I have no idea why my weeds bother this woman enough for her to mention them to me, but I hold no negative feelings toward her. We are all on our own journey and the only person who really understands it is the one on the path.

Who am I to judge something I don’t understand?

If you are confident that your choices are the best for the information you have, stand behind them, and don’t let the opinions of others bother you.

What is important to them doesn’t have to be important for you. But don’t assume you will never swerve from your current position.

The more confident you feel, the less likely you are to argue or fall into a negative pit of defensiveness. Take this wisdom to heart if you find yourself arguing regularly with your spouse.

Discover the real reasons behind the arguments and look for ways to heal the hurt.

Take time for inner exploration and know what is too important for you to compromise on. Confident people don’t feel compelled to persuade others to agree with them. It is OK to have a different opinion.

Be confident that your choice is the best one for now but recognize things may change in the future. Look for new information and be prepared to pivot.

After considering the situation, the weeds are unlikely to disappear any time soon.

Does it bother me to think that there may be neighbours who tsk and shake their heads every time they pass my house? Not really, but I will keep an eye on the rogue section of my yard and re-assess if I need to.

The weeds question encouraged me to put another happiness precept into action. I have chosen to view the land under our tree as a wildlife area.

With this perspective in place I am more than ready for the next person who asks me why I don’t weed under my tree.

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.