Letting go of old behaviours

- Deepak Chopra

 

 

Why do we hang on to negative thoughts and behaviours? Why do we repeat unproductive actions and reactions over and over again and expect different results? Einstein called this insanity. Psychologists and neuroscientists tell us our subconscious beliefs have a lot to do with it and that our brains are just computers that record experiences so when confronted with a similar experience our natural response is the same as the first (and the last time) we encountered a similar situation. Unless we introduce a new solution and act upon it in order to re-wire the computer program, the brain has only one choice - to select the answer it has recorded from the past.

 

When change comes (and it always does) we tend to resist it because it is not what we are used to so we try to keep things the same or manipulate the situation to something we are more comfortable with. One of the classic examples of this behaviour can be seen in romantic relationships. You are unhappy, you finally decide to leave a partnership and are determined to find a partner better suited to your desires. Strangely enough, you start a new relationship only to discover this person is very much like the last. Why is this? It is because you haven't done any self-development and changed your attitudes and behaviours. This new person may have seemed different on the surface, but your subconscious beliefs about yourself and the men or women you find yourself attracted to remain the same because you are the same.

 

We are told that "what we resist persists", meaning the more non-accepting you are to a circumstance the more likely it is to persist. This goes back to where you are placing your mental focus. When you spend a great amount of time saying "this is not what I want" the universe can only says "yes" and therefore gives you more of what you don't want. When you move your thoughts away from what you don't want, and place it on what you do want, the energy begins to shift.

 

Sometimes you keep doing things out of a need to be "right" and an unwillingness to see things from another perspective. Issues appear to be very black and white and you are totally committed to your way of thinking. In fact, there are always two sides to a situation and compelling arguments can be made for both viewpoints. If you hold fast to your side of the debate, no matter what the cost - or the loss - you may want to have a closer look at your motives. Is it a sense of pride that does not allow you to concede? Do you believe you will feel less worthy, intelligent or loved if you said you were wrong or that you made have made a poor decision? Interestingly people place a high value on someone who is able to say they were wrong, that they made a mistake. It makes you real and makes the other person feel more comfortable with being human as well.

 

The cause of false pride is low self-esteem. You are fearful that if you do not appear to be "perfect" people will lose interest in being with you. Your belief system has been built around the idea that you must achieve and be super-intelligent in order to be admired or loved. But the opposite is true: people don't enjoy spending time with someone who has a big ego who insists on being right all the time. Add to that an ego that is easily bruised and you become a bossy know-it-all who doesn't ask or accept feedback from others.

 

It is not easy to break this repetitive pattern of behaviour. It takes courage to say you were wrong and apologize, especially if you are not used to it. However, the sense of relief you feel when you discover that most people are happy to accept an apology and forgive readily is worth the effort. This is a means by which you come to accept yourself and your humanness. You learn to forgive yourself and it opens you to become willing to forgive others. Everyone is worthy of love and happiness, even when mistakes are made.

 

Addiction and obsessive compulsive behaviours are the most extreme examples of repetitive behaviours. In these instances common sense and best intentions no longer work for the person attempting to gain control. Many have already accepted they can't quit, others are in deep denial, excusing the behaviour, downplaying its seriousness and/or blaming others. Most often, outside support is needed. Some seek help on their own, others are forced into it by an angry spouse, a concerned employer or a court order that demands it. In 12-step recovery it is suggested a belief in a power greater than oneself is the solution. The addiction is defined as a spiritual malady. Whether you suffer from a negative repetitive habit or a serious addiction, (or care for someone who does), developing a relationship with a higher power is recommended when trying to break old ways of doing things. Recovered addicts are a powerful testament to the miracles that happen through the practice of spiritual principles.