Must-read survival tips

This past weekend, an unexpected blizzard containing wind and snow and traffic jams swept through several eastern US states.

The entire world was surprised and saddened that such a bad thing could happen. That it could snow was surprising enough, but to the horror of all, there was wind, too.

BBC ran an entire section dedicated to this unusual winter weather event. They offered nanosecond-by-nanosecond updates on the situation, along with as much advice as they could find for their downtrodden American friends across the pond.

One of the most important, and most clearly needed, was a list of three critical tips on surviving a snowstorm.

The number three BBC tip for surviving a snowstorm:
Make sure you have at least three gallons (13.5 litres) of drinking water per person, per day

The number two BBC tip for surviving a snowstorm:
Tape the windows with bubble wrap to keep the heat in

Aaaaaand (drum roll please) the number one BBC tip for surviving a snowstorm:
Use your dog to measure the snowfall

Yes, this bears repeating. The number one tip for surviving a snowstorm is to use your dog to measure the snowfall. Measuring the snow level is critical to survival because: Cool facebook update.

Number three is a no-brainer. A snowstorm is probably going to make you extra-thirsty. And the snow outside cannot be melted into water because maybe you can’t get to it. Pro Tip: If you forgot to get your emergency water supply, turn on the kitchen tap. 

Number two is solid. It goes without saying that citizens will have enough bubble wrap at hand to cover all their windows. If not, why not? Pro Tip: If you popped all your emergency bubble wrap for fun, you’re going to die, and it’s your own damn fault. Bubble wrap is for windows, not for fun.

Number one is awesome. When it is time to measure your snow, it is important that you don’t just look out the window to see how deep it is, especially if the bubble wrap is distorting your view. Besides, the frequent bathroom runs to get rid of the gallons of water you’ve been consuming leave little time for looking out the window. So you just toss the dog out there, what the hell, he’s not doing much anyway.

There are, however, some concerns with using a dog as a snow measuring device:

Bad: What if your dog reports back using metric and you only know imperial? If your power is out, you will have no way to google a measurement conversion. 

Worse: What if your dog is a Chihuahua? It could be early spring before you see him again. 

Even worse: What if you don't have a dog? Will a cat do?

Intolerable unacceptable worst case scenario: You manage to get a measurement by sacrificing your dog to the elements, and suddenly the power goes out. Yes, that’s right. You have your measurement, but no facebook to show off. No dog, either.

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About the Author

This bio was written by Jo Slade. As you can see she has written about herself in the third person. What normal person would do that? They just wouldn't. Who knows how many other persons might be involved in this thing, a second person? Another third? I worry about it. I - she - we - can't even keep it straight, this paragraph is a damn mess, there are persons all over the place. Round 'em up and shoot 'em. That's what I'd do, and by golly I think that's what Jo Slade would do as well.

Biographic nutshell: Jo has been messing around with words for a long time. Sometimes she'll just say words instead of writing them, it saves on paper.

The columns that appear here are of a highly serious and scholarly nature, therefore it is advised that you keep a dictionary and ponderous thoughts nearby.

If, after reading so many thought-provoking words, you find yourself tossing and turning at night, burning with the need to email me, just do it. I answer to [email protected]

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