Snow shocks locals

Recent snowfalls have brought shock and disbelief to Okanagan residents.

“It was just snowing and snowing, snowing like crazy!” reported one concerned citizen.

Some locals say that snow should be expected in winter, as it happens every year in the Okanagan. Irate Kelowna driver Angus McCurmudge is appalled by the complaints.

“Buncha damn sissies. Why, when I was young, it snowed 10 feet in one hour, pretty much every day all day, and we drove around in it with summer tires on the car - and those tires were bald and sometimes flat, and we had the windows rolled down, and us only in our damned t-shirts, shouting ‘yahoo’ when we went over cliffs. And by god in those days ‘yahoo’ was what you shouted when you were driving around in snow with bald flat summer tires, it wasn’t a namby-pamby way to search things on the interwebs thing.”

Others weren’t as confident about the safety of summer tires in snow. Irate Penticton driver Henry Slowdownish claims that people are really just safest behind closed doors. House doors, that is. 

“It just isn’t safe out there, everybody should stay home. Summer tires, that’s just suicide! All-seasons, even worse! Snow tires, just a false sense of security, you think snow tires are going to work in the kind of snow we get here in the Okanagan? We get the real stuff, the bad stuff. Snow tires aren’t stopping anything in this kind of snow. Chains? Are you kidding? Chains’ll just fall right off because they can’t handle this Okanagan snow! Studs, too. Just fall right off.”

Some fingers have been pointed. Irate local resident Billy-Bob Bucky insists that Albertan drivers are the problem.

“They’ve never seen hills before, you see, and when you add snow to those hills, it gets them all confused and nervous. And they have those awful running boards on their Buicks, which is unsightly and distracting when you’re trying to tailgate and honk at them to make them speed the hell up.”

The snow has also caused concern among residents over the lack of timely snow removal. We spoke with irate West Kelowna homeowner Harry Hank, who reports,

“We waited outside for the snow removal boys right after the first .005 inch of snow fell, but sure enough, they just didn’t come. They just couldn’t be bothered, the bastards.”

Many feel that Trudeau is behind the appalling snow situation. According to irate Vernon resident Jimmy I-Voted-For-Harper Jones,

“Why am I not surprised at all the snow and complete lack of snow removal? You all voted in Pretty-Hair Trudeau as your Prime Minister, and now you wonder why things are going to hell in a liberal hand basket. Just don’t come crying to me when we become a third-world nation next week. I didn’t vote for him.”

Others blamed the refugee situation. Irate Lower Mission resident Madge Murphy, shivering in pink robe and matching pink bunny slippers in front of her lakeshore mansion, reports,

“If we didn’t have all those refugees running around living like millionaires while the rest of us starve and live on the streets, this wouldn’t even be an issue. The snow removal crews would be out there after the first snowflake, not after it builds up to impossible levels of an inch and sometimes even more.”

While most residents were upset with the lack of snow removal, people who did have their streets cleared were upset with the quality of service.

“They just drove up here and shoved all the snow to the side of the street! They should have taken it with them. What is the point of snow removal if they just leave it shoved all over the side of the road? This is Christy Clark’s fault, she is destroying our province with these serious snow removal issues!” says irate Peachland resident Jean Plomp.

As winter wears on, Okanagan residents continue to struggle with snow and each other, finding commonality only in one ardently shared belief: Albertans can’t drive.

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This bio was written by Jo Slade. As you can see she has written about herself in the third person. What normal person would do that? They just wouldn't. Who knows how many other persons might be involved in this thing, a second person? Another third? I worry about it. I - she - we - can't even keep it straight, this paragraph is a damn mess, there are persons all over the place. Round 'em up and shoot 'em. That's what I'd do, and by golly I think that's what Jo Slade would do as well.

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