Jim is epic

Oh yes. He’s epic, alright. Epic at snoring, that is. 

“You’re delusional,” he told me when I gently (haha) pointed out the problem. “I know I don’t snore, nobody has ever accused me of that.”

Now, I’m not entirely sure who else would be privvy to his snoring habits, and if they do exist, we have a whole other conversation at hand. 

Further, our grandson has, on several occasions, mentioned that he has feared the collapse of the tent when they are camping because: snores. 

The sounds soar to hair-raising levels at time, and could be worth recording to package and sell as zombie movie sound effects.

The man doesn't just snore, he is creative about it. I am not sure there are enough letter choices on the keyboard to describe the horror that comes out of that sleeping mouth.

It starts out as silence. Sweet lulling silence all around, or maybe gentle rain on the roof, or the occasional car off in the distance. 

Then comes the slow and unstoppable rumble.

snore snore snore snore snore snore snore

SNORE SNORE SNORE SNORE SNORE 

SNORE

Gasp, wheeze, SNNNNNnnnnkffft

snnnnnnAAAARRRRxkjfddkalfwaejipasjfkalsdjiasejtialdsjhtfiwlgjdklzfnfffffffffft

And so it goes on through the night. Once he hits ‘epic’ level, the walls actually quiver, while I curse.

Raaaaaaauuuwwwwwwww, gasp wheeze snuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh, mwuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhh, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-snort-short-snort-gasp-gasp-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuungh, wheeeeeeeeeze, snnnnnnAAAAAARfffff, aaaaaaackkkkkkk, smmmmmmmmfffffff

Sleeping through this involves being truly Zen, which, fortunately for Jim, I am, or at least I am right up to the point where I am forced to bash him a good one.

If I’m already awake, it's not that big of a deal. I smile to myself and reach over to give a loving and gentle nudge that immediately silences the snoring beast. I think loving thoughts, and continue with my eerily similar sounding Plants vs Zombies 2 game. 

However, if I wake up because of the snore, it's a whole other ballgame, whole other ballpark. My approach is different in that it reflects my feelings about being woken up by hell breaking loose, and those feelings usually have drastically reduced levels of Zen. 

((((((((((((((( WHAM )))))))))))))))

“Oh, are you awake, sweetie? That’s good, because you were snoring, you know, and, well, ha. ha. ha. we don’t want that, do we. Dear.”

We don’t know if I snore or not because he makes so much noise he’d never hear me even if I did. My guess is, I don’t. Whatever body part produces snores would feel intimidated, and quickly silenced, by Snore Boy’s epic production.

The day Jim found the snore-tracking app was his day of reckoning, or so I thought. When he saw the results next day, he looked stunned, and went silent. He listened to the audio, and you could see that he was shocked. He wandered off, seemed to be thinking about things. He grew more and more concerned and thoughtful, clearly surprised that such horrific noises could even exist.

After a long time, he realized what had to have been happening, and he smiled, genuinely relieved.

“You know, I think a lot of that was probably just you, Jo.”

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.