Suck it up, buttercup. Not!

“Suck it up, buttercup” and “Put on your big-girl panties” just don’t cut it for me.

There has to be something more we can do for ourselves and one another. It’s been a tough year.

As we’re experiencing a holiday season unlike any we’ve lived through, many of the usual things we’ve done to celebrate have fallen away. When gathering with family and friends isn’t possible, and, let’s face it, it’s hard.

Difficult emotions arise as we’re faced, yet again, with the reality of living in a pandemic.

We may have conditioned ourselves into being great pretenders, but getting real, acknowledging, and accepting our uncomfortable feelings is the first step in moving through them.

We may feel a mix of emotions during this time. We can know and accept, logically, the necessity of changing our holiday plans for this year, and still hurt at the same time.

Empty platitudes do nothing to ease the heart’s pain, and shaming and shoulding only add insult to injury. These are the last things we need when we’re hurting.

The head can know all sorts of things, but the heart still aches. Trying to talk, should, or shame ourselves out of the grief we’re experiencing doesn’t bring healing.

The heart’s process is different from the logic of the mind, and isn’t answered with all of the logical explanations or rational thought we might throw at it. The head wants answers, but the heart needs to heal; and healing doesn’t occur because of harsh self-lectures.

Holding ourselves and others in understanding and compassion is supportive, and allows us to heal.

Learning to turn toward and acknowledge our sadness, loneliness, pain, anger, or even relief, instead of suppressing those feelings, is the first step on the pathway of healing. 

There’s no one, correct way we should feel: giving ourselves permission to feel whatever we’re feeling is important.

Negative self-talk or trying to ignore our sadness doesn’t make it go away. Instead, it increases our stress and the feelings can get stronger, and sometimes show up as different emotions like irritability and anger.

The suffering is already there. By acknowledging it, without judgment, it’s a relief to no longer fight it. Its intensity lessens; we become stronger, and more resilient.

 I admit to feeling helpless in knowing how to support and care for people who’ll be alone in the holiday season. I want to have some magic answer to lessen their pain and sense of loss, but I don’t. The one thing I can offer is my understanding and compassion.

Once we’ve acknowledged and accepted how we really feel, we can make a plan to support ourselves during this time.

It’s helpful to reduce our expectations for the day, both positive and negative expectations. Be sure to reach out, initiate contact with friends and family, and don’t sit and wait for them to contact you.

Make a plan for what you can do to support yourself if you feel lonely, and write it out. When you’re feeling good, make a list of happy, healthy distractions you can engage in.

Plan to do something you love, pamper yourself, whatever you want. Plan a special meal for yourself, have a good movie ready to watch, and find ways to indulge yourself in healthy ways. Many find joy in doing something thoughtful for another, or offering random acts of kindness to friends or strangers.

Consider creating a new holiday tradition for yourself. As much as we dreaded our first Christmas separated from family, many years ago, it stands out as precious, because we planned, and incorporated activities we’d never done in the past. It wasn’t the same as being with family, it was different, but it was still good.

Let’s be gentle, patient, and kind to ourselves and one another. Holding ourselves and others in care and compassion could be the best gift of the holiday season.

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.