The weird world of women

Drum roll, please:

Introducing a new Needlepoint feature - Women Analysed by Men - WAM.

We all know about Mars and Venus and the so-called inability to understand the opposite sex.

This is nonsense. We all know that women understand men better than men understand themselves. Men also understand women. We just usually keep shut up about it.

No more! We men will suffer in silence no longer!

WAM will be kicked off with some personal observations about women or ones I’ve heard from other long-suffering men.

Men, please send in your favorites and I will report on them later - if I’m still alive.

Here are the chances that a man has done something wrong: If she is sad, 25 per cent you are to blame. If she is silent, 50 per cent chance you are wrong. If she says there is nothing wrong, you are 100 per cent guilty. Get out of the house.

When a woman says to another woman on the phone that, “I’ll let you go now,” the conversation will continue for at least another 10 minutes. The same thing happens when a woman is at the doorway, about to leave after a visit. If it’s freezing outside, men should stay in the house until the departure appears to be a reality.

If you lie to a woman she will find out faster than you can say Sherlock Holmes. The only exception to telling the truth is when she asks you how she looks. Then, lie like hell.

Wives will read your email. No exceptions.

A woman who says she will be ready in five minutes will only be ready in five minutes if you are trying to watch the end of the game.

She says, “Don’t worry about it.” This means you better damn well worry about it.

You cannot win an argument with a woman. It’s never happened, except for Henry VIII. Save your breath and go watch the game. Check to see she hasn’t poured your scotch down the drain.

If a couple is invited for dinner, the female guest will ask what she can bring. She will be told “nothing,” but she will bring something anyway. This is some sort of sacred ritual.

Women always think they are better drivers than men. They are atrocious drivers. Humour her. What the hell?

No matter how big the bed, a woman will take most of it. If it were a football field, the man would be sleeping at the ten yard line.

If a woman addresses you as honey or some other term of endearment, you’re probably okay. If she addresses you by your first name, an order is on the way.

A women with a hammer, saw, or screwdriver in her hands means you have to fix it later.

A woman’s biggest fear is other women talking about her. Her second biggest fear is having lipstick on her teeth.

She comes home from the hairdresser. You don’t notice because you don’t care. Hello, sofa.

I have a dog who doesn’t have a mean bone in her but sounds like a vicious pit bull when a stranger arrives. I tell women that she makes so much noise because she is female. I expect them to laugh their heads off because of my clever joke but they just snarl at me.

Mothers and daughters would kill for each other. In down times, they are usually at war with each other.

WAM will also accept visual content. For example:

The Three Stages of a Man's Life

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.