There is no future for me

Re: I'm one of you

I'm glad you are helping the youth about suicide.

I am a man in my late 50's. I have been the first person to a friend after she ended her life and witnessed a friend end his life within feet of me and completely unable to prevent it.

Talking with people of all ages about suicide should be a hot topic because after someone takes their life it's too late.

Seven years ago was my bottom.

I haven't had a drink since new years eve 2001. I don't smoke pot or do any other drugs. So my bottom wasn't drug or alcohol related.

I took a drug my doctor gave me to help me deal with my PTSD, anxiety and bad depression. As i was feeling sleepy I sent goodbye texts to all my friends — mistake on my part wanting to die.

One message was to my brother. He called 911 to report it and was asked "for what address" my brother told the 911 operator my address and was told "you are the third person to report this address someone is almost there with him."

All I remember as i lay on my bed was a large man coming at me loudly saying "John what did you take, what did you take?" As he was shoving a tube down my throat. That's all I remember until I woke up in the hospital strapped to the bed with a very bad feeling / taste in my throat and a sore stomach. 

A psychologist talked with me an hour a day until I was released from the hospital. I got daily phone calls for two weeks to make sure i was OK. I was told if they call and i don't answer they will call the RCMP and ambulance service to go to my place right away.

I still live with bad anxiety and depression to the point I just want life to be over. I call the suicide hotline and it's always the same thing. 

They ask; why do you feel this way and I tell them in detail and then they ask, and how are you gonna do it, I tell them and then they try to get my address out of me so the big men can come with the straight jacket to take me to the hospital.

I know they say to call a friend or family member and talk with them. That's a tough thing to do. I used to have friends. I only have one family member and with COVID-19, he is swamped with work and no time for me.

My friends? I used to have lots of friends to call, because of my PTSD anxiety and depression I have lost all of them. I am an honest man. I call a friend, we talk and shortly into the convention they ask "how are you doing?" Being honest, I tell them.

And over time they stop answering their phone when they see my number so I leave a message to no call back so I don't call anyone anymore because no one want's to hear, woe is me. Then stop asking how i am and lets talk. They can just read about me in my future obituary.

Over the past seven years I still feel very suicidal. I feel I have reached the end of my rope and maybe tomorrow I will have the guts to end my life. Within the last 5 years i have lost all of my friends. I haven't been to anyones in years and no one calls or visits in so long.

I talk to a local, Kelowna, radio personality and she asks how i'm doing and when I tell her she says "lots of men are going through the same thing during COVID-19." Hearing that doesn't help.

Knowing I'm not the only man feeling like this during COVID-19 makes me realize there is no hope for getting better if there are men, possibly more well off than I am, going through the same thing, there is no hope.

If the men possibly more well off than me aren't getting any help then there's no way i am getting help.

So yes talk with the youth about suicide and the effects to everyone around them because men like me, having no where to turn and no one to call are gonna end up committing suicide anyways. 

Every morning I wake up I sit on the edge of my bed and cry while I think of reasons to live. Believe me that list is getting shorter everyday. If I were to end my life tomorrow morning no one would know until a few days after rent day is due. Then someone may find me and that will be too late to help me.

I ask for help and it doesn't come.

Since March 2020, I have been trying to apply for CPP disability. Because of the virus, I am unable to leave the house. I called the CPP people last week and was told if I don't get this paperwork handed in soon I would have to reapply for the disability I am on.

To go through that again isn't gonna happen. The day i don't get a check to eat and pay rent is the day life will be over for me.

Life sucks and I don't see any future on my end.

John Stevenson

Editors note: If you or someone you know is in imminent danger of suicide, call the Canada Suicide Prevention Service at 1-833-456-4566. Castanet has been in touch with the author of this letter to confirm his immediate wellbeing.

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