Spotting the games narcissists play

Photo: Doreen Zyderveld-Hagel

Narcissists can be wolves in sheep's clothing.

The narcissist cunningly manipulates the victim’s mind to gain control.

In order to spot their strategies, let’s look at the 11 tactics they use to divide and conquer, according to Kris Reece, a Christian counsellor, author and YouTube content creator.

What is a narcissist? The Oxford English dictionary describes a narcissism as selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration.

Although there are several types, I’ll only discuss the ones I’ve had the misfortune of being acquainted with. The covert narcissist adeptly portrays the victim to manipulate and take advantage of their target’s sympathy. Typically, these individuals endured significant childhood abuse, resulting in the unintentional adoption of their abusers’ behaviours.

Next, we have the malignant narcissist, who derives pleasure from using, abusing, discarding and destroying their victims.

According to Reece, there are the 11 games which I have paraphrased;

1. Blame game—They survive by leeching off their victim’s need for validation, and when they cheat, narcissists will accuse the innocent party. For example, they might say “I was unfaithful because you were always working.” My ex made these accusations. He would time me while I went grocery shopping and if I took longer than he expected, he’d accuse me of getting it on with an employee. I was disgusted and said, “The person pointing the finger is usually the guilty party”. He became furious. They have a motive to manipulate.

2. Trigger game—These wolves have thoroughly analyzed you. Every single thing you say and do, can and will be used against you. At the appropriate moment, they will weaponize the information, to make you seem irrational or unhinged, which was their motive for provoking you.

3. Coercion game—If you won’t give them everything they want, watch out, or when you don’t live up to their impossible expectations, you’ll be sorry. They’ll gaslight and throw all their emotional garbage onto you. This type of manipulation keeps you under their spell, always at their beck and call.

4. Confusion game—They will distort your reality and leave you in constant confusion, so much so you will doubt yourself in every way. I reached a point where I was a shell of myself, broken and didn’t know who I was anymore.

5. Word games—Masters of doubletalk, they say one thing but do the opposite. That leaves you hooked. When their actions don’t match their words, you’re confused but emotionally invested. They do this to get your feelings connected to their words, not their actions. To make matters worse, my ex used flowery speech in public that left others amazed and me perplexed.

6. Giving game—When they give, it is to make themselves look good and to use it against you later by saying, “After all I have done for you, this is how you thank me?” Their goal is to appear generous and you ungrateful.

7. Projection games—Old-style projectors take an image and shine it outward onto a screen. The narcissist does the same but you are the wall. Shame and hate consume them because of their childish insecurities. They project their own defects of character onto you. This preemptive strike aims to divert the attention off them and onto you.

8. Humiliation—These types will embarrass you to destroy your self-worth and all-the-while maintain a pretence of innocence, making them feel superior. They derive intense pleasure from the distress they inflict. My ex enjoyed degrading others.

9. Manipulation—Using charisma, they ensnare you with flattery or play the victim-in-need card. Once they establish trust, they gaslight and distort reality to make you doubt your perceptions and sanity. They use phoney kindness to mask guilt, fear and emotional withdrawal in order to make you back down. This manipulative tactic is used to feed their insatiable need for admiration and power.

10. Mirror game—They appear to understand you like no one else does and while studying you, they mimic your ways to make you believe you’ve found your so-called soul mate. Afterwards they use a distorted reflection of themselves to manipulate and punish you for not kowtowing.

11. Apology game—Narcissists express willingness to apologize when it serves their own interests or when in fear of losing you. Yet, their contrition is both insincere and lacking in specificity. They use false resolution to begin the games anew.

These diabolical people cause a lot of grief in the lives of countless others but knowledge is power to stop them in their tracks.

However, they waste no time moving on and latch onto someone who’s oblivious to their tactics. Sadly, I’ve known too many men and women like this, in church too, a wolf pack dressed in sheep’s clothing.

But, as Reece also states, “There will be justice eventually, you reap what you sow.

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.