Remembering a friend who took his own life

My friend was funny, intelligent and outgoing, not someone you’d think would end his own life.

His wife and stepson found him on the garage floor. Many people loved the guy, including me. Hundreds of folks attended his memorial service. I chose not to go as I came down with a terrible cold and the mourners had enough to deal with.

Melvin’s death was a mystery, leaving us asking, “Why did you do it Melvin?” He hid behind a comedian’s mask and appeared happy-go-lucky. We all have a persona we display in public and Melvin was no exception. Overall, he was a goofy, fun-loving guy. The middle-aged man was also kind and generous, helping those who weren’t as fortunate.

Back in 2016, while I fought for my life in a hospital for nine weeks, Melvin often phoned and texted, telling me to hang in there. I wished he could have done the same, but Melvin was beyond help. Recently, we had a brief chat on Face Book Messenger and he seemed out of character. At the time, I thought he was having a bad day and let it be. After, I chastised myself for not reaching out.

Prior to that, over the years, we exchanged wildlife photos on our phones or he’d tell me some off-colour joke. In return, I serenaded him with my cringe-worthy rendition of Elvis’s I’ll Have a Blue Christmas, which I recorded on my iPhone along with some other silly antics like 4x4ing with my mobility scooter.

While reminiscing about the past, it made me wonder if there some sort of force that compelled Melvin to it. The human tendency is to find someone or something to blame—perhaps an internet troll? I am aware he suffered from depression and that was likely the true culprit. Perhaps we’ll never know.

Men rarely seek help for their mental health struggles and I wish he would have contacted someone about his despair. He seemed to have it all together and was living the dream, so it was a shocker.

During my teenage years, many moons ago, a few of my peers died by suicide before they had a chance to live. That irreversible decision would haunt their families indefinitely and it perplexed me. Years later, it occurred to me maybe some of them were abused at home and saw no other way out of that nightmare.

Nonetheless, those deaths had a ripple effect that threw our small community into a tailspin. There was no such thing as counselling at school for any tragedies. Melvin also had close friends who ended it, including one who shared his first name. The other Melvin chose the same method more than three decades earlier. It seemed like some kind of curse was on their hometown, or perhaps just a terrible coincidence.

According to Stats Canada, 12 people die by suicide each day. That’s nearly 4,500 deaths by suicide per year. Suicide rates are roughly three times higher amongst men compared to women.

It is the second leading cause of death of youth people aged 15 to -34 years old.

Those sobering statistics made me more aware of the problem. And behind every number is a person, who, for whatever reason decided to leave this world behind. The complexity of suicide made me wonder how to support Melvin’s widow and her family, whom I didn’t know well and also live quite far away from.

I phoned her and gave my condolences and later sent a card in the mail. It seemed so inadequate. Later on I found a helpful suicide prevention website,

As I wrestled with more sensitive terminology and a desire to be helpful, I read the lack of suicide language and avoiding the conversation is harmful and a major contributor to the stigma, leaving those bereaved feeling abandoned and ashamed. Obituary type language to white wash it doesn’t help either.

Using the word “committed” usually refers to a crime and has underlying negative connotations causing the grief-stricken loved ones even more pain.

Not every culture sees suicide in a negative light. In Japan, according to Wikipedia, “The general attitude toward suicide has been termed ‘tolerant’, and on many occasions suicide is seen as a morally responsible action.”

In times of war, both young and old have taken out numerous enemies along with themselves while saving countless others in the process.

I don’t know what war was waging within Melvin but his battle is over and may he rest in peace. And may his family find comfort and unconditional love in their community.

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.