Feel the fear and do it anyway

Give it a try

I’m a bit of a sap, filled with emotion and moved to tears every time I watch people trying their best.

Seeing their mother weeping in the stands at track-meets, performances and concerts when they were young used to embarrass my kids. Try as I might, I wasn’t able to control it and, in truth, I didn’t really want to. They got used to it.

The trend continues as I witness my grandchildren at their piano and dance recitals. It happened again recently as I watched my great-niece perform a ballet via zoom. There I sat at my kitchen table silently cheering, my body filled with goosebumps, my heart warm, and tears leaking down my face as she danced a beautiful ballet. I’m in awe of them trying.

Witnessing people taking risks, trying their best and stretching themselves moves me.

I loved sitting in the audience at a recent dance production of “Carry On” by Creator’s Arts Centre, feeling the support and encouragement of people cheering the children on. We were all smiling at their successes and even their mis-steps, heartily clapping as they finished, no matter the technical quality of the performance. We’re all happy just because they tried.

As children, we’re encouraged to stretch ourselves, to learn and try new things out. As parents we support our kids and praise them, even when things aren’t perfect. Kids thrive and grow and find new abilities and passions as they’re bathed in this encouragement and safety.

Sadly, as kids grow, more seems to be expected, the need to be perfect and proficient emerges. The trend to critique what went wrong rather than celebrate trying starts to grow, and something dies as the voice of the critic takes reign.

That critical nature can destroy joy as the inherent negativity bias of the brain kicks in. What’s negative or challenging is stickier in our minds than what’s positive. It takes five positive comments to offset one negative comment in a heathy relationship, whether it be with others or within ourselves.

Moving into adulthood our willingness to take risks, to try out new things often decreases. The die seems cast. When we do this, we lose out.

As a palliative care nurse, I listened to far too many people who, in their last days, regretted not following their dreams and callings. I chose to take the lesson they offered me.

The emergence of perfectionist tendencies within my own life had become a prison I’d built to try to stay safe. For years, I felt safer staying within the narrow bounds of what I felt good at, yet something within me wanted to stretch and grow in new areas. I was reminded of what my declining patients taught me.

We might age, but we don’t have to grow old. Trying new things keeps us fresh, young at heart and with a growing edge. And, it does take courage, but I’d rather say I tried than I was afraid to.

As adults, let’s cheer for ourselves and one another like we cheer for the children who are willing to try. Let’s offer ourselves the same encouragement and support in our new ventures.

Letting go of the fear of not being good enough or of failing, getting up and dancing life’s dance leads to new horizons a sense of fulfillment and maybe a good laugh. It’s led me into living a life I never thought possible for myself.

What new adventure or skill is calling you? It’s time to give it a try.

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.

If you wouldn't say it to others, don't say it to yourself

Critic or coach?

Listen to yourself. How do you speak to, and about, yourself?

Many people would find themselves alone and friendless if they spoke to others the same way they speak to themselves.

In listening to others, as self-deprecating remarks weave their way into conversation, the voice of the harsh self-critic makes itself known. That makes me cringe. I’ve written about this before, but it bears repeating.

I used to believe I had to be self-critical to grow, evolve and make positive change. I was wrong.

Having the ability to take stock and determine areas where we want to change or grow is helpful, but it’s important to notice when negative self-talk and the voice of the nasty critic enter in.

This critic isn’t helpful in creating lasting change in our lives. We can only bully ourselves into change for so long. The trail of failed resolutions is a result of a self-bullying mentality.

Negative self-talk engages the fight-or-flight response in our brains and bodies.

Our brains aren’t able to create new and lasting habits when the stress response is engaged. Research shows we don’t learn or create lasting change when we’ve bullied ourselves with a critical voice. This is one reason we fail when we try to bully or shame ourselves into making changes.

We learn best in an atmosphere of safety and self-compassion. I’ve learned best when my teachers created an atmosphere of caring and safety for me to learn and even make mistakes. My best teachers had compassion.

According to Mark Leary, professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University, an attitude of self-compassion is an important ingredient to positive change. https://aeon.co/essays/learning-to-be-kind-to-yourself-has-remarkable-benefits

Self-compassion is not putting on blinders. Being compassionate with ourselves doesn’t rob us of motivation. Self-kindness helps us to see even challenging situations in our lives more clearly. Becoming a compassionate coach rather than a chastising faultfinder supports our success.

I once had a large, internal committee of critics. I gave this committee a name I can’t mention here.

If I’d met such people in my life, I’d never hang out with them. My committee were extremely unkind, yet I used to entertain them for long periods of time. Not only would I invite them in, but often I’d stay awake all night listening to them.

It never felt good, but it was my habit of mind.

Repetitive thoughts are just old, well-practiced neural pathways. They’re like ruts in a well-travelled road. We can get stuck in the ruts that take us to the same old places we’ve always travelled. When we have a habit of thinking negative thoughts about ourselves it becomes the default mode.

We can make new habits of thought. Stopping and noticing what we’re thinking and what we’re saying to ourselves is key.

I’ve long used an exercise that was helpful in changing the inner-critic to a compassionate coach. I call it Becoming Your Own Best-Friend.

1. When you become aware of negative self-talk rolling through your brain, stop. Stop and notice how it feels. Get curious about where that voice comes from.

2. Don’t believe everything you think. You are not your thoughts. Just because you had a thought doesn’t mean it’s true.

3. Once you catch yourself being self-abusive, ask yourself what you’d say to your own best-friend or someone you love on the same topic. Would you tell them they’re lazy, stupid, fat, or a failure? Would you chew them out by reminding them of every time they’ve failed in the past? I doubt it.

4. Instead, offer yourself the same compassion and advice you’d offer to someone you care about.

According to psychologist, Elizabeth Scott, positive and motivational self-talk is the greater predictor of success. This means we do better when we encourage ourselves kindly. https://www.verywellmind.com/negative-self-talk-and-how-it-affects-us-4161304

Consider becoming your own best friend. Consider being compassionate toward yourself, wanting the very best for yourself. Consider how you’d coach or support your best friend, and then do the same for yourself.

Encourage yourself. Do not berate yourself.

Fire your internal committee of critics and becoming a compassionate coach with yourself. Develop self-compassion and engage what science is finding when it comes to creating lasting and positive change in your life.

Self-compassion and kindness are key to positive change.

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.

Face everything and rise up

Pushing yourself

Learning to reduce stress and anxiety

Pause for mental health

Stressed out? Can’t focus? Feeling upset? Can’t stop worrying or thinking? Sometimes we feel like we’re caught up in a tornado of thoughts and emotions.

Thinking, thinking, thinking. Lost in thought, but missing life. The virtual reality of our minds prevents us from experiencing what’s really going on in the present moment. Often this virtual reality is not a friendly place.

So much of our precious time on this planet is wasted ruminating on the past, or worrying about the future. Because of the mind’s tendency to pay more attention to what’s challenging, called our inherent negativity bias, negative thoughts are stickier than positive ones. The virtual reality in which we most often dwell is one of difficulty and challenge.

Ruminating and spending time going over the past and the anticipated future prevents us from experiencing the life that we’re actually living. Our bodies may be present but we’re not there as we’re absorbed in a virtual reality in our minds.

I’ve suffered more at the hands of my own mind and imagination than I ever have by what’s really happened. To top it off, our minds don’t know the difference between what’s real and what’s imagined, and therefore our bodies suffer the ill-effects of internal stress chemicals.

The mysteries of the human condition can keep us caught in a rut and feeling victim to our thoughts and moods. When challenging situations arise, getting caught up in life’s dramas has consequence to our health, happiness, and ability to think clearly.

There have been many times in my life when I’ve been surrounded by the beauty of life itself but have missed out on it all because I’ve been locked into the virtual reality of my mind. Our mind, our bodies, and our relationships bear the consequence of this very human tendency.

Our location doesn’t matter if we don’t awaken to what’s really going on in the present moment. If we’re able to bring ourselves present, relaxation is possible. Change is an inside job.

As Jon Kabat-Zinn, professor emeritus of medicine at University of Massachusetts Medical School and father of modern-day mindfulness wrote, “wherever we go, there we are.” We are the one constant in our own lives.

We can change our location as much as we like, until we change what’s happening inside our minds, we will suffer.

Like many, I used to feel victim to life, especially my own thoughts and emotions. Getting caught in a negative mental-loop and experiencing the associated emotions seemed beyond my power to escape.

I’d grown so accustomed to my prevailing thoughts and moods I never questioned if there was a way to change things. I didn’t know the many ways I could change and up-level the negative mental and feeling tendencies I’d practiced for many years.

My life changed for the better when I started to use a simple practice called “Come to Your Senses”. It’s a quick, portable and cost-free way to reduce stress and anxiety. It’s like hitting the reset button. I always find relaxation here and an improved ability to think clearly.

It does not matter the order we use to check in with our senses, what matters is coming back to the present moment by checking in with each sense for about a minute or so.

Come to the Senses:

• Pause and begin to notice the breath. Slow, deep belly breaths are a helpful signal the body to relax.

• Hear all of the sounds around you, just notice them without resisting or judging them. Listen for the more subtle sounds.

• Look at and notice your surroundings. Notice the colours, textures and shapes of things in your physical environment. We’re often blind to what’s really around us.

• Notice how your environment smells, possibly fresh air, the scent of paper or food cooking.

• Taste; are there any tastes in your mouth, can you notice how your mouth and tongue feel?

• Notice sensations of the body. Feel your feet on the ground, your bottom on the seat, your clothing or the air as it touches the skin.

This simple practice allows us to come back to ourselves and feel more present and relaxed. I love to come to my senses frequently, especially in moments when I must wait or when experiencing stress.

Give it a try; the few moments spent in this practice can pay huge dividends for you and your life.

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.