Just stop it!

If you met yourself, would you like you?

I know so many wonderful people who keep the idea of liking themselves at arms length. As I listen to people speak about themselves, I can find it painful, as I most often hear far more self-criticism and put-downs than I do kindness.

How do you speak to and about yourself?

We’d never speak to another person the way we speak to ourselves. If we did, we’d be pretty unpopular, and I’m sure we’d end up living solitary lives.

This common practice doesn’t help us grow and evolve; it limits us.

I was saddened as I listened to a client speak negatively about herself. I was saddened, but not surprised as it’s not unusual to hear self-deprecating comments. 

I repeated what she’d said about herself back to her, using the same words and tone of voice as she had.

She looked shocked and hurt as her eyes grew wide.  I’d insulted her greatly, but I’d used her own words, not mine.

Once her shock passed and she saw the smile on my face, she got it. I was only repeating what she was continually saying to herself. Hearing someone else say it back to her was shocking.

She smiled as she understood.

Although it’s not uncommon for us to speak negatively about ourselves, that’s just the tip of the iceberg for most people. It’s the internal dialogue, our self-talk, that’s often even more abusive.

We often deflect compliments, instead of accepting them, or we make a self-minimizing statement in return. We’ll easily take a criticism to heart, but a compliment is like water off a duck.

It’s a cultural trend to put ourselves down and dismiss or minimize our positive attributes.

We’re so hard on ourselves. Many people are caught in, what mindfulness teacher Tara Brach called, a “trance of unworthiness.” Self-criticism is epidemic, yet it comes at a cost. It’s not helpful to our thriving.

It’s easy to get caught in a state of needing to arrive at some distant, elusive point of so-called perfection because it’s pervasive in our society. “I’ll be enough when…”.

We fill in the blank for the many ways we keep ourselves at arms length from relaxing into who we’re here to be.

I wasn’t surprised to learn that one of the deepest regrets many people have on their death-beds is the awareness they never lived as their true selves, but lived their lives trying to be some version of enough, dictated though the many shoulds we place on ourselves.

Do you want to be happier and more peaceful? Then, be a radical for change by challenging your old beliefs. Peace and happiness are an inside job!

Often, we spend more of our mental and emotional coin ruminating on what didn’t go well, than what went right.

A habit of self-attack isn’t helpful for positive change, and has negative consequences to our mental, emotional, and physical health, as well as our relationships with others.

Self-compassion is the antidote.

We’ve been steeped in a culture that leads us to believe self-kindness and self-compassion will make us weak, lazy, and selfish. Research reveals this isn’t true.

Research also shows learning to be compassionate with ourselves:

• reduces anxiety and depression
• increases happiness and optimism
• reduces the stress response
• improves our physical health
• creates greater resiliency
• increases our self-esteem
• supports us in making and sustaining healthy changes
• increases our tendency to be kinder to others

Learning to become self-compassionate takes practise. Breaking the habit of self-criticism begins with becoming mindful and aware of the nature of our self-talk.

We’re often unaware of the constant thread of self-critical thoughts because we’ve practiced them for so long.

Observing the nature of our thoughts and self-talk in a curious and non-judgmental way is the place to start. Becoming more positive in our self-talk can help us to transition from self-critic into becoming our own best friend.

The next time someone pays you a compliment, simply accept it and say, “thank you”.

Would you ever speak to another the way you speak to and about yourself? If not, then stop it!

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.