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The Happiness Connection  

Do you complain, criticize?

My husband is a wonderful cook, but working together to create a meal is something we rarely do.

We don’t follow the “you cook, and I’ll clean up” rule either. The tasty food on my plate is the result of a whirlwind of destruction in the kitchen that I find difficult to be around.

My mom taught me to clean up as I went along so there wasn’t such a mess to deal with at the end of the evening. When I shared this philosophy with my hubby, my suggestions didn’t just fall on deaf ears, they fell on hostile ones.

It was easier and more peaceful to just let him do things in his own way. Who am I to say that my way is best?

Best for me doesn’t guarantee it is best for everyone else.

Our differences in cooking styles doesn’t impact our relationship in any significant way. It was probably good for me to realize that there are many ways to do the same thing.

I have learned to let go of stuff I don’t need to be in control of.

It doesn’t matter that my husband is a messy chef, but there are times when the subject of your disagreement does matter and needs to be resolved.

Clashes within your marriage are not only inevitable, they are also useful if you don’t let them spiral out of control.

Letting your spouse know what is bothering you and why, and listening to their complaints, enables you to understand each other better.

This is true even when their words are difficult to listen to.

Healthy partnerships don’t sweep these situations under the carpet. Avoidance can lead to resentment, so my advice is to hone your disagreement resolution skills, rather than giving in to your partner in hope of avoiding conflict.

I recently wrote a column called Successful-marriage secret  where I revealed the best predictor of a successful marriage. Research shows that couples who effectively communicated about problems in the six months before they married, were more likely to still be together six years later.

You may not have started your relationship as good problem communicators, but it is never too late to learn better ways to interact during disagreements.

One understanding that will help you is knowing the difference between complaining and criticizing.

Both these words have negative connotations attached to them, but when it comes to disagreements one is useful while the other isn’t.

According to Dictionary.com, complaining expresses dissatisfaction or annoyance about a state of affairs or event, while criticizing indicates the faults of someone or something in a disapproving way.

In other words, one involves discontent with a situation and the other focuses on displeasure of a person or thing.

Criticism is more judgmental and global than a complaint and should be avoided.

“You never say anything nice to me,” demonstrates an over generalization that frequently accompany criticisms.

“You only care about yourself,” shows disapproval about the type of person your spouse is.

When you criticize your partner, you are not only hurting their feelings, but your words are likely to lead to defensiveness and resentment.

These are not helpful emotions for effective communication.

Complaints focus on specific behaviours, problems, and situations.

You aren’t saying your partner is a bad person, just that you are finding it difficult to live with their habit of leaving things lying around rather than cleaning up after themselves.

Did you notice that I avoided saying they never clean up after themselves?

Words like never, always, and everybody thinks, are generalizing your complaint, which leads into criticism territory.

Assigning blame to the other person is also a sign that you are criticizing. If you want to move forward to a solution, don’t focus on whose fault it is.

Ask yourself if it really matters who is to blame? In my experience the person didn’t deliberately do something to upset you and arguing over blame serves no purpose.

Focus on moving forward. Fighting over fault won’t take you closer to a resolution.

Survival is our No. 1 drive, so we have evolved to give danger and threats a great deal of our attention. Good things don’t threaten our survival, so they are less important to focus on.

Take that knowledge with you when you are going through difficulties with your spouse. Try not to make the disagreement personal.

“I love you, but I don’t like the fact that you go out with your friends every weekend instead of spending time with me,” is a complaint that zeros in on the situation you would like to change rather than being a personal attack.

This is important to remember if you are attempting to sort out a difference of opinion. Stay calm and loving. I know that is easier said than done sometimes, but it is important.

If you are on the verge of becoming frustrated or losing your temper, take a break until you can talk unemotionally.

It can also help if you understand why you are being emotionally triggered. The reason may be separate from the situation. This is important information to share with your partner.

When you talk, state your needs and irritations without attack and encourage whoever you are talking to, to do the same. If you have children, you can do them a tremendous service by modelling how to talk during conflict.

Use the following tips to help you complain not criticize.

  • State your needs or viewpoint without attack.
  • Describe your side as you see it, not as an absolute truth.
  • Stay focused on the specifics of the situation and avoid over generalizations.
  • Avoid becoming emotional. Imagine yourself as an observer not a participant.
  • Make sure your partner knows you love them even though you want different things or have a difference of opinion.

Share this information with your significant other before difficulties arise so you can both practice these skills and learn to complain rather than criticize.

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.



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About the Author

Reen Rose is an experienced, informative, and engaging speaker, author, and educator. She has worked for over three decades in the world of education, teaching children and adults in Canada and England.

Research shows that happy people are better leaders, more successful, and healthier than their unhappy counterparts, and yet so many people still believe that happiness is a result of their circumstances.

Happiness is a choice. Reen’s presentations and workshops are designed to help you become robustly happy. This is her term for happiness that can withstand challenge and change.

Reen blends research-based expertise, storytelling, humour, and practical strategies to both inform and inspire. She is a Myers Briggs certified practitioner, a Microsoft Office certified trainer and a qualified and experienced teacher.

Email Reen at [email protected]

Check out her websites at www.ReenRose.com, or www.ModellingHappiness.com



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The views expressed are strictly those of the author and not necessarily those of Castanet. Castanet does not warrant the contents.

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