Marriage, not money

Did you watch the royal wedding last weekend? I didn’t get a chance as I was out of town, but that didn’t stop me from looking at photos and imagining what it must be like to marry a real prince.

Dreaming of meeting your Prince or Princess Charming is a pastime most of us have indulged in, but I’m willing to bet those dreams didn’t include thoughts of how the two of you would manage your money.

Somehow finances don’t fit into fairy tale dreams. After all, if he or she is royalty surely money won’t be an issue that needs to be discussed.

But what if the man or woman of your dreams isn’t a member of the royal family? What if you are like most of the world and have a finite amount of money that needs to be managed carefully if you want it to cover everything it needs to cover?

Have you ever wanted to purchase an expensive item that your partner didn’t agree with? Do you and your spouse have drastically different beliefs and approaches to money? Perhaps one of you is a saver and the other is a spender.

Do these financial issues cause you and your partner to argue.? If so you are not alone. According to an Ameriprise study, approximately one third of all couples clash over money at least once a month.

Money problems, like marriage challenges, are blanketed with shame. Imagine the monumental weight of disgrace piled onto financial disagreements and cash flow troubles within a marriage.

With money being cited as one of the top three reasons for couples to divorce, it is an aspect of marriage that should not be ignored.

There is no one way for couples to deal with finances. You may combine everything, keep your money separate and each contribute to a house hold account, or one partner may support the family and control the money.

If the system you use puts you in a financially stable position and you are both happy with it, there is no reason to change it.

Awareness is the key to taking responsibility in life, so with that end in mind, let me share some tips about finances that experts believe are crucial if you want to avoid money problems in your relationship.

Have regular money conversations

Even if you wish you were in a financially healthier position, don’t let finances take on a shameful or hidden role within your marriage. Bring money conversations into the sunlight.

Make a conscious decision to discuss money without emotion. The moment you first discover your partner made a huge ticket purchase without your knowledge, may not be the time to have a heart-to-heart about it.

If you find yourself being triggered by money conversations, take a break until you feel calmer. Make sure to start your discussion my stating an intention for your talk. You want to create a strong, resilient relationship, not stand in judgment, or assign blame.

Be honest

Share what you make, what you spend, and any debt you may have incurred. As I said earlier, many people carry shame about money. If you shine light on your finances, it is easier to banish those old feelings.

There are two roles in any form of communication, giving and receiving. If you want your partner to share openly, you need to make sure you receive graciously. Don’t assume the role of judge and jury, instead listen, and try to understand their actions and point of view.

It is important to provide a safe environment if you want transparency and honesty.

Create shared financial goals

If you work towards the same end goal, it is easier to accept variation on how you get there. Don’t assume the way you feel about money is the way your spouse feels.

Early in our marriage, my husband and I set goals to pay off our mortgage and avoid interest charges. These intentions formed the foundation of our financial decisions for many years.

I love to have something to show for my money and my spouse likes to use his to socialize and enjoy himself. It took us some time to learn to accept rather than judge each other’s spending choices, but having common goals bound our differences together.

Don’t close your eyes to your finances

Regardless of who pays the bills and who earns the money, you should know where your money is going. This awareness puts you in a position of financial power. Ignorance may be bliss, but it won’t give you a strong foundation for your marriage, or for a life after marriage.

Follow the golden rule of relationships

Treat your partner the way you would like to be treated. Imagine how you would like your spouse to react if your roles were reversed. Listen, discuss, and move on. Sometimes it is important to agree to disagree and then let the issue go.

Have an annual financial review

It is easier to make a commitment that is for now, rather than making a decision that is forever. What suits you today may not fit you are in five years time. Revisit your financial plan every year and tweak it so it fits your current circumstances not the position you were in three years ago.

Have a financial review every time there is a major change in your life. Having children, changing jobs, and moving to a new house are only a few of the changes that can outdate your money plan.

If you need help figuring out a system that works well for you, seek out a financial expert that you trust. Perhaps there is a better way for you to approach your money, or a more harmonious way to discuss it.

Think of your finances and your relationship as opportunities to work together as a team, to practice your communication skills, and to learn more about yourself and each other. If you can do that, you can do anything.

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.