233159
The Happiness Connection  

Modernizing marriage

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Genesis 2:24

Do you believe that marriage results in two individuals becoming one?

I did 30 years ago when I got married. It was part of my romantic vision of living happily ever after. I hoped I had found the man of my dreams and expected life to be perfect from that moment on. If it was good enough for Cinderella, it was good enough for me.

There are a couple of problems with believing you and your partner will think, dream, and behave as if you are one. The most obvious difficulty is figuring out what that one will look like.

As opera singer Robert Breault puts it: “The wedding is where two people become one. The marriage is where they decide which one.”

I believe this dance of transmuting two very different people into one joint being was one of the biggest reasons my husband and I had so many difficulties in our marriage. I thought he should transform into the man of my dreams who looked after me and agreed with everything I said.

Sadly, he thought I should be the one doing the transforming.

Historically, two did become one; wives became chattels of their husbands. If you aren’t familiar with the word chattel, it means personal possession.

Women and everything they owned became the property of their spouse the moment they were wed.

In fairness, this law ended many centuries ago. Husbands haven’t legally owned their wives for a long time, it only felt that way. Women were expected to stay home and looked after their family while their husbands assumed the role of provider. As the head of the household, I suspect men had a greater say over what “the one” looked like back then, but I’m only surmising.

This brings me to the second difficulty with the “two become one” philosophy. Society has changed a lot in the past few generations, but many of our thoughts about marriage have not.

For better or for worse, shifting environments require shifting inhabitants. Can you imagine a farming business that refused to give up their horse drawn plough, or a hospital that disregarded modern surgery techniques being thriving entities today?

Families don’t look the way they did a century ago. Two working parents is the norm, and some fathers stay home to care for their children, leaving the mom to be the provider. Same sex unions and blended families have also contributed to the changes in our cultural idea of marriage.

I believe one reason divorce statistics have risen so steeply is because marriage practices haven’t changed to align with the societies they serve.

You can go to counselling to learn how to communicate better, or join a support group, but if you believe you and your partner must morph into one joint being, you are likely to run into trouble. This is especially true if you are both strong-willed like my husband and me.

More than one woman has suggested to me that marriages in the past only lasted because the wife had no choice other than to stay. Women have more options now.

The Me-Too movement illustrates the change that has been happening in our culture. Many women want to take their place as equals, not as someone less capable or weaker. With ladies wanting to move away from their traditional place in a relationship, conventional ideas about marriage are no longer working.

Following the two become one philosophy was a disaster for my marriage. When my husband and I stopped struggling to become one and instead embraced our individuality, our relationship became stronger and happier than ever.

If you are challenged to find a way to be one and want to give our strategy a try, here are some tips to get started.

  1. You are each responsible for your own happiness. Support and bring joy to each other, but don’t take on the role of mental well-being provider.
  2. Remember you are each on your own journey and have your own lessons to learn. Support each other, but don’t judge or try to tell the other one what to do or not do.
  3. Identify the decisions that need to be jointly dealt with and approach them with respect. Look for middle ground rather than trying to persuade each other that you are right, and they are wrong.
  4. If a decision doesn’t concern you, don’t try to make it.
  5. Take time for your own adventures, but consciously come back together to nurture your bond of choosing to be together.

Let’s modernize our thoughts about marriage to match the changes in our society. Rather than two becoming one, let’s talk about two remaining two, but choosing to walk together in the same direction.

It is time to banish quotes like the one I found on The Printable Wedding website.

The path to happiness is so narrow that two cannot walk on it unless they become one.

If the path is that narrow you still have choices. I would put my spouse on his own path and then arrange to meet in a few hours for lunch.

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.



More The Happiness Connection articles



230485
About the Author

Reen Rose is an experienced, informative, and engaging speaker, author, and educator. She has worked for over three decades in the world of education, teaching children and adults in Canada and England.

Research shows that happy people are better leaders, more successful, and healthier than their unhappy counterparts, and yet so many people still believe that happiness is a result of their circumstances.

Happiness is a choice. Reen’s presentations and workshops are designed to help you become robustly happy. This is her term for happiness that can withstand challenge and change.

Reen blends research-based expertise, storytelling, humour, and practical strategies to both inform and inspire. She is a Myers Briggs certified practitioner, a Microsoft Office certified trainer and a qualified and experienced teacher.

Email Reen at [email protected]

Check out her websites at www.ReenRose.com, or www.ModellingHappiness.com



230801
The views expressed are strictly those of the author and not necessarily those of Castanet. Castanet does not warrant the contents.

Previous Stories





232208