Melania's marriage

Have you ever been the subject of gossip?

Perhaps you were fired from your job or had a public meltdown in front of a crowd of onlookers.

I can remember my husband being seized by a fit of jealousy when we were at a party many years ago.

I was furious with him, mostly because I knew everyone would be talking about us the next day, but also because I was being dragged into the local gossip, even though I hadn’t done anything to deserve it.

I was being pushed into the spotlight by my husband’s actions.

Being the centre of negative attention is bad enough when you are a regular, run-of-the-mill person, but imagine what it must be like you are in a global spotlight?

This was going through my mind on March 25 when I watched Anderson Cooper interview Stormy Daniels on 60 Minutes. She is the adult entertainment star who says she had sexual relations with the U.S. president before he entered politics.

What must it be like for his wife, Melania, as this story unfolds?

The couple married in 2005 and have one child together. In some respects, they are like many of you reading this.

They have been married long enough for the honeymoon phase to be a dim, distant memory, and the actions of one person are affecting the happiness of the other one.

I don’t know about you, but I can relate.

I’m not really interested in what people think of the American president and his wife, although there are a lot of opinions floating around the news channels and social media. I am more interested in what the rest of us can learn from this very public relationship.

Let me share some of the lessons that stand out for me.

It isn’t important for you to understand anyone else’s relationship, nor does it matter if other people understand yours.

I’ve heard more than one person criticize Melania for her choice of husband as well as her decision to stay with him. It’s as though everyone thinks they are an expert on relationships and partner choice.

Stop for a moment. Has anyone ever questioned your choice of partner?

When I brought my husband home for the first time, my parents were mystified and a little shocked at my choice. It wasn’t that they thought he was a bad person, but he was so different from everyone in my family that they couldn’t understand why I would want to marry him.

In their minds he didn’t fit in.

Their reaction caused me a lot of heartache because I wanted my parents to love my beloved as much as I did. They tried to hide their feelings, but I knew them well enough to read the subtle and not-so-subtle signs.

I wasted a lot of emotion and energy fretting about this situation, although it didn’t stop me from marrying him. I wish I had been aware enough to realize the choice I made was for my life not my family’s.

They didn’t need to understand or agree with my relationship choice. They weren’t the ones who were marrying him.

Instead of passing judgment on other people’s marriages or worrying about what your friends and family think of yours, try to concentrate on your own life and leave other people to live theirs in the way that seems best to them.

The actions of your partner don’t define who you are.

I am impressed with Melania’s resolve to continue with life and ignore the media frenzy surrounding her husband’s infidelity. She isn’t taking on the role of a victim, or even joining the conversation.

That takes guts and should remind you that the actions of your partner do not define you, nor should you worry about what other people might think.

The jealous reaction my husband displayed at the party I mentioned at the beginning of this column sparked anger in me. How dare he accuse me of doing something wrong.

In truth, he wasn’t accusing me of anything. He was being triggered by his own demons, not me or mine.

You don’t really know what you’d do unless you are faced with the situation in question.

Early in our relationship, my husband and I agreed that being unfaithful was a deal breaker. If either of us chose to have an affair of any length, it would mark the end of our marriage.

Setting this boundary made it very difficult for me to understand people who stayed together after one or both partners strayed.

What were they thinking?

Trump is alleged to have been unfaithful more than once and yet no divorce has been announced. What is she thinking of?

As I’ve matured, I’ve learned that you never know what you will do until you are staring the situation in the face. I still believe that I am likely to kick my husband to the curb if he cheated on me, but I have also learned to never say never.

Because the only people who really understand the intricacies of a relationship are the people in it, you will never know everything that went into their decision to stay or leave.

The best you can do is speculate. Until you are faced with a situation like infidelity, you never know what you will decide to do.

There are so many variables at play that you are fooling yourself if you believe it is as clear cut as my husband I thought 30 years ago. I know people who had to experience that rock bottom situation in their relationship before they could build their marriage into something beautiful and lasting.

I think the most important take-away from watching a couple struggle with their marriage while the world looks on, is the opportunity it provides for you to practise being compassionate.

You have no idea what the future hold for you and you may find yourself in an equally uncomfortable and public situation one day.

Act toward others as you hope people will act toward you in a difficult moment.

As I remind myself regularly, “There but for the grace of God, go I.”

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.