Darren, the arachnid killer

I'm man enough to admit it.

I'm not ashamed to admit I made a noise typically reserved for a small, frightened child before fleeing like I was on fire when it happened.

And I had every good reason to be scared, because it was scary.

It happens every spring and gets worse as the days get warmer and stretch into the summer months.

But with all the rain this year and the cooler weather, it really hasn't been that bad.

"It" is interactions of the spider kind.

I hate spiders. Not many things in this world scare me as much as an arachnid. Big, small, fat, skinny, you name it, if it's a spider I do not like it.

My most recent encounter with one of the eight-legged terrors was when I was working in my garage.

I grabbed a pair of coveralls I have hanging from a nail to do an oil change on my car.

For some reason, I shook the garment before putting it on, something I never do.

Call it the voice of God, dumb luck or some other glorious interaction of the divine kind, but when I shook it, a large spider fell out of a sleeve.

Eeeeek! does not even begin to describe how I felt. And this was no ordinary spider. This guy must have been on steroids because I have never seen one this big, this early in the year.

Sure, there are billions of little spiders roaming the area, and being the big, tough guy that I am, they hardly bother me, but this one was the size of a bagel.

It was so big, I could feel the ground vibrate as it fell from my coveralls and landed on the concrete.

OK, maybe the ground didn't vibrate, but I did pee a little and jumped 10 feet straight back as the black mass of doom raced for cover under a nearby cupboard.

It was at that moment, I knew I must take action, for if the monstrosity managed to find cover, I would likely never be able to enter my garage again knowing it was in there, watching, waiting for the right moment to pounce.

So, I summoned up all of my courage and sprang into action: I leapt across the room and smashed my foot down on the offending critter with such force my toes were numb for an hour; the impact of rubber sole hitting the smooth concrete was so loud it sounded like I had shot the spider instead of crushing it to death.

At least, I hoped I crushed it to death. I stood for second frantically looking around to see if the beast,which must have been some sort of Jurassic spider because of its sheer size, was embedded in the bottom of my shoe.

Slowly, I lifted my foot and to my relief I found an assembly of spider guts and legs smooshed into a gooey mass.

Yay, me.

I had survived a potentially lethal encounter with an arachnid.

Then one of the scariest thoughts I have ever had formed in my mind: if this spider was that big this early in the year, what will be waiting for me over the next few weeks.

Even as I write this, I shudder at the thought.

Perhaps going outside is over-rated.

Perhaps there are benefits to living in a sealed room with filters and screens and anti-spider lasers surrounding the house.

Am I over reacting?

No! No, I am not.

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.