Haters gonna hate

Part 2 of 4: creating confidence

This was the hardest lesson I learned on my journey to discovering confidence.

People who make fun of you, dislike you, or are mean to you, will do that to everyone. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

In part 1 of my column on Creating Confidence, I wrote about how smiling can make you appear and feel more confident immediately.

The hardest part is, however, to keep smiling when people try to dim your light.

There are people who prey on the vulnerability of others. Their only criterion for targets are the people willing to stand out. The haters, or bullies, go after people who are just starting to learn how to stand out.

They look enviously at those who are brave enough to step into the spot light of life. They attempt to pull the aspiring stars back to the shadows in which they reside – the dark places of self-pity and blame. 

More advanced haters will go after those dancing in the centre of the spotlight. They are skilled at identifying the passions of others because, they believe, someone at the highest point has the farthest to fall.

They stand in the shadows with their stage hook and wait for the moment to reach forward and grab their target in the hopes of pulling them out of the light.

Why do haters do it?  Because they lack the emotional intelligence. To these people, everyone must lose because they felt they have lost in some form.

They also do it for attention. The haters of the world are looking for an emotional response from you – to see that they have affected you in some way.

Confidence means standing on the stage and owning your spotlight, even when the haters try to pull you off.

A message for the stars who have haters lurking in the shadows:

  • Understand that you control their power over you.
  • You have the choice to not respond in anger or out-bursts.
  • You have the power to be un-affected by their choice of negativity.
  • You can choose to shine on and keep dancing in the spotlight.

More importantly, you can choose to understand that, at some point, those haters likely experienced something that made them act as they do. Perhaps it was a broken family, hard childhood, or current stress.

Choose to send them thoughts of healing instead of the fuel they are looking for to justify their pain.

A message for the haters:

Stop. Before you make that snide remark; before you write that rude comment; before you go out of your way to make someone feel bad: Stop.

Ask yourself why you are doing this. Why are you focusing so much attention on strangers? Why are you choosing to allow negative thoughts to fill your day?

Spend time in self reflection and stop putting up a barrier to the love in the world.

Haters gonna hate

To be confident is to understand that some people will not like it. Own your light and your dance.

This is your stage, and no one can take that from you unless you let them.

Keep smiling and keep dancing.   


A secret worth smiling for

Part 1 of 4: Creating Confidence, one step you can take today to appear more confident.

I'm going to tell you a secret that will make you smile.

Ever wonder how some people exude confidence? What secret to life do they know?

  • Are they more intelligent?
  • More beautiful?
  • Do they have more money?

The answer is no.

The confident people we see every day don't have any more advantages than the rest of us. They weren't given a guide to life when they slid into the fluorescent hospital world and were smacked hard with reality.    

Even those who had advantages of money and natural beauty are just as likely to botch their chance and develop doubtful pessimism.

What do the confident people know that many of us don’t?

They live by one easy rule that likely changed their life and could change yours too. 

But who am I to tell you this? What credibility do I have to share this with you?

I am one of the lucky ones who figured it out.

Every day I am told that I appear confident. I am constantly asked:

  • How did I become confident?
  • Was I always that way?
  • Is life easy because of it?

Again, the answer is no.

No, I was not confident as a child, nor as an adult.

No, life hasn’t been easy. It hasn’t been a fun parade of smiles and balloons… I was just the opposite.

Let me introduce you to me as a child:

  • I was obese and bullied
  • I was an outcast at the best of times and a target at the worst 
  • I endured everything from name calling, having food thrown at me to social isolation.

It was a confusing and dark time.

So how did that timid and unsure girl become someone people seek out for advice?

I do one thing that draws people in. One thing that makes everyone believe I am exceptionally confident:

  • Smile!

Confident people smile all the time. They smile when they are talking to people; when they meet someone’s eye; they even smile when they are alone in public.

They don’t need a specific reason to smile, they just do.

Smiling has two significant effects. People’s perception of you and your perception of yourself. 

Think about how your emotional reaction when you see someone smiling to themselves. What do they know that you don’t? Why does their life seem so put together? What did they do differently?

Even if you have nothing to complain about, it is human nature to wonder if you’ve missed something, to be in competition.

Think about how it feels when someone smiles at you. Regardless of the gender, does your heart flutter just a touch as some part of your brain confirms that you were just noticed?

You will instinctively like the mystery person a little more; not to the degree that you might stop, say hello and entertain a conversation – but there is no denying we notice people who notice us and smiling at someone accomplishes this.   

What about the effect smiling has on you?

It is significant. It is no secret that smiling releases dopamine, endorphins and serotonin into your bloodstream. All the goodness generated by your smile and then released into your blood stream makes you more relaxed, which reduces blood pressure.

Smiling literally makes you happy.

Take a moment now and smile. Notice the effects. Hold the smile a little longer… If you don’t feel the effects immediately, then go look in a mirror and try it again.

Keep trying.

Create a reminder for yourself to smile in public – every time you see a white car: Smile. Every time you turn a corner while walking through your office or around town: smile.

Commit yourself to smile more and you will be amazed at the effects it has on you and those around you. The more you notice it, the more you will do it.  

I am proof it works, and you can be too.

There is no down side to keeping the corners of your lips turned to the upside.

Stay tuned for more tips on confidence.

More Mindful Communications articles

About the Author

Like most people, Christy has taken many paths. On the officially documented life list, she is a certified yoga teacher, an advanced open water diver, a financial adviser with a financial broker’s licence, a Harley rider and owner, an author, a community advocate.

She has been trained in coaching, negotiations and communication studies. She competed at a provincial level in competitive swimming and now has a passion for overall fitness.

On the un-documented list, Christy’s diverse experience is both positive and full of pot holes. She is the founder and CEO of a start-up company that never made it past the start-up phase. She has enough tattoos to classify as a walking adult colouring book. 

She has gone through all the identity phases at different times in her life: hippy, gothic, classy professional, biker... and is now a unique blend of them all. She a spiritual junkie and is addicted to adrenalin, learning and travel.

The bottom line: She is full of love and lessons with a hope that those who read this and connect with her will benefit from what she learned and be inspired to reach for the limitless possibilities of life.

Connect with her at:[email protected]

The views expressed are strictly those of the author and not necessarily those of Castanet. Castanet does not warrant the contents.