The Happiness Connection
You can't be impatient when it comes to learning patience
Give me patience...now!
Recently, I’ve been reminded of what it’s like for many kids as Christmas approaches.
It isn’t so bad in July, but as December arrives and the day gets closer, their level of impatience ratchets up.
I’ve been waiting for almost a year to speak with a medical specialist. As my appointment approaches, I find myself feeling more restless and the days seem to stretch endlessly ahead of me.
I’ve noticed a similar behaviour in my partner. We’re making some changes to the front of our property and have a company coming in this month to do the heavy work. David is having a wonderful time cutting back brush and pruning trees to prep the area. This has resulted in several huge piles of branches that will be removed when they come to do the landscaping.
We know that’s going to happen in the next few weeks, but he wants it done now.
When I mentioned we were having similar reactions to different things, he laughed and said, “God grant me patience and give it to me right now!” That isn’t an original statement, but it made me laugh. It so perfectly expresses how we’re both feeling.
That conversation started me thinking about whether patience is linked to happiness. It turns out it is. Studies show patient individuals tend to have higher levels of mental wellness, better relationships and enhanced stress tolerance.
That’s great news for people who are either naturally patient or have learned the secrets to achieving that state, but what about the rest of us? How does an impatient person learn to be accepting and tranquil?
Let me share the things I discovered and that I am now working on.
Be aware of your feelings
If you don’t recognize what’s happening, you can’t make any changes. Take time to identify your emotions and what’s causing them. Where does your impatience show up in your body? Don’t judge, just acknowledge and seek to understand.
Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness is a technique where you focus your full attention on the present moment. It’s about experiencing thoughts, feelings and sensations but not judging them. This practice not only lessens feelings of impatience but it can also reduce stress and physical pain.
There are many ways to do this. Meditation, yoga, limiting your focus to one thing at a time, slowing down, journalling and consciously breathing and eating are all great mindfulness tools.
Stop trying to control things you can’t
The best way to do this is to find something you can control and focus on that. I may not be able to make my appointment come quicker but I can immerse myself in activities that help me stop thinking about it.
Shift your perspective
Try to reframe your situation so it’s more positive. It can be helpful to expand your focus.
• In my lifetime, these days of waiting are merely a blink of an eye.
• Having this time before my appointment is perfect. I’m going to use it to complete my next book and get it to my editor.
Practice gratitude
It constantly amazes me how many ways this particular practice contributes to happiness and mental wellbeing. Studies show that taking time to express gratitude reduces impatience. This was a new discovery for me.
Show yourself kindness
Don’t get impatient with yourself for feeling impatient. Instead, be compassionate and loving. Get lots of sleep, eat well and exercise. Plan ahead so you can limit stressful deadlines or difficult situations during these periods.
Don’t expect immediate success
As with so many things, there’s no hard and fast rule on the speed with which you’ll accomplish a regular state of calm. Start small and celebrate the little wins. If you have a meltdown, forgive yourself, be grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow.
I’m grateful I don’t have many more days to wait but I’m also aware this is unlikely to be the last time I’ll find myself in this situation. With that in mind, I intend to continue to invite more tranquility into my life by practicing the advice I’m sharing with you.
Hopefully I’ll be able to change, “God grant me patience and give it to me right now!” to “God grant me patience and give it to me in due course.”
This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.
Puzzle your way to happiness and health
Puzzling effects of jigsaws
How many of the gifts you received in December of last year do you remember without having to pause to think?
If you struggle to think of any, you’re not alone. Unless there’s a reason for it to stay top of mind, out of sight really can mean out of mind.
This year, one particular present bucked that trend in my world. I received a murder mystery jigsaw puzzle from my sweetheart. As soon as I opened it, memories of spending time with my mom washed over me. Not because of the subject, but because of the activity.
When I used to go back to my parents’ house for visits, my mom often had a jigsaw spread out on the dining table. We’d spend hours chatting as we tried to complete the complex picture.
I hadn’t indulged in this specific activity in years, but when I excitedly opened the box and got started, I was hooked. On my next visit to Costco, I saw a display of jigsaws and bought myself another one. My collection has now grown to almost a dozen.
I’ve been averaging about a puzzle a week. Sometimes I only spend a few minutes during the day, other times I may be there for an hour or two. The 1,000-piece puzzles seem to be my sweet spot. They’re challenging yet not overwhelming.
I love the time I spend on this activity, but it’s brought with it some unwelcome thoughts. They mostly revolve around time-wasting. Shouldn’t I be doing something more productive?
Whenever I voice these concerns to my partner, he shuts them down by pointing out that it’s important to quiet my often overly busy brain and have time to simply be. It’s hard to argue with his perspective, but I needed more. Is there any other benefit to this activity?
It’s well documented that Sudoku, crosswords, word searches, etc. can help keep your brain healthy and active. But what about jigsaws? I went on a hunt to see what science had to say about this specific type of puzzle. It turns out that jigsaw puzzling goes beyond entertainment. It helps cognitive, physical, psychological, neurological, and social skills.
Cognitive
This has to do with the processes of the brain and includes memory, problem-solving, and the ability to concentrate. When you work on a jigsaw, you formulate theories and then use trial-and-error to test them. This process can significantly improve problem-solving and critical thinking, not to mention short-term memory and virtual-spatial reasoning.
The typical human brain has two sides. The left is responsible for logic while the right takes care of creativity and intuition. In order to complete a jigsaw or other puzzle, you have to engage both sides of the brain. This enhances cognitive functions as the two sides are required to connect and communicate.
Improving cognitive skills improves productivity, attention to detail, and mental agility.
Physical
The act of moving pieces is good for fine motor skills and improves manual dexterity. This is especially important if you’re very young or elderly.
Psychological
This is the area my partner immediately identified as beneficial for me as it relates to the human mind and feelings. Spending time with a jigsaw puzzle helps reduce stress and anxiety. It quiets the mind by distracting you and providing you with an opportunity for an almost meditative state. Studies found that spending just 30 minutes a day for eight weeks working on jigsaw puzzles can significantly reduce anxiety levels.
They also discovered jigsaw puzzling can increase your feelings of happiness and satisfaction. The act of finding two pieces that fit together releases dopamine. This is the neurotransmitter that’s responsible for regulating mood and increasing optimism. The more successful you are, the more you want to continue so you can get even more dopamine.
Neurological
Your nervous system or the signals between your brain and the rest of your body is probably the area of benefit that gets the most attention when it comes to doing puzzles of any sort. Research shows working on puzzles, including jigsaws, may actually delay Alzheimer’s and dementia. This is because the activity promotes neuroplasticity or the ability to make new pathways in the brain when old ones have been damaged or pruned from lack of use. This process may happen more easily when you’re young, but it occurs regardless of your age as long as you encourage it.
Social
Working together on a jigsaw can be a rewarding social activity. It fosters collaboration and a sense of achievement. It was a strategy I used when I taught elementary school. I always had a puzzle table where students could go when they’d finished their work.
If you want more family time, try my mom’s strategy and start a puzzle. Invite everyone to participate, but don’t apply any pressure. You may be surprised at the results. There’s something alluring about joining in on the quest to complete the picture.
So, it seems my new hobby isn’t a waste of time. In fact, I’m doing myself a favour every time I settle down to find the right place for a few more pieces.
If you haven’t completed a jigsaw puzzle for a while, or ever, I encourage you to give it a try. You may be surprised at how much you enjoy it. And if your brain suggests you’re wasting your time, enlighten it by sharing all the ways you’re helping both it and the rest of your body to be happier and healthier.
This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.
You don't have to rely on others for your own happiness
Love yourself first
I’m not a huge fan of awards shows, but this year I tuned into the Grammys because I wanted to see Joni Mitchell.
What a performance. If you’re looking for an example of an empowered older person, she’s a good contender.
The other performance that really caught my attention was Miley Cyrus. She was nominated for, and won, record of the year with her song Flowers. I knew the song but hadn’t really listened closely to the words. As she performed it, I concentrated on the lyrics.
It’s about a breakup and the resulting realization that you don’t need to be in a relationship in order to enjoy things like receiving flowers or going dancing. Pretty much anything you can do when you have a partner, you can do when you’re single. If you want flowers, you can always buy them for yourself.
I was raised to believe that if I found the right person, they’d make me happy. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness.
That’s a powerful statement, and not one I was ever introduced to by my parents. I don’t blame them for withholding this vital lesson from me. My mom and dad didn’t teach me this because they’d never been introduced to that principle either.
It’s not like I made a conscious decision to hand over the key to my happiness to someone else, I just copied the behaviour my parents modelled for me. I grew up thinking happiness came from a loving partner, the circumstances I encountered, and by living my life a certain way.
That strategy worked for me for many years. Honestly, I didn’t really stop to consider there might be a different way to view the subject. You may have had a similar upbringing and belief about happiness.
The problem is the happiness this strategy provides is fragile. Remove your partner, or other relationships, throw in some daunting challenges, and you may find your feelings of wellbeing slipping away. To make matters worse, if you don’t know how to make yourself happy, you may be like me and have no idea how to right the ship when it starts to sink.
One of the secrets to being happy regardless of what life throws at you is to love and care for yourself. If you’re waiting for other people to validate you, you’re putting yourself in a very vulnerable position. It may encourage you to stay in a less than satisfying relationship because you don’t think you can be happy on your own.
I’m not saying it isn’t wonderful to be spoiled with flowers, or to share romantic moments with a partner. But even if you’re in a relationship, there’s no guarantee that these things will be part of your experience. Rather than letting yourself feel resentful or dissatisfied if you adore flowers and never receive them, buy them for yourself.
Empowerment means you know what makes you feel good and you’re willing to provide those things for yourself. It may feel scary to go to a movie alone, or treat yourself to dinner in your favourite restaurant, but that feeling will subside the more you do it.
The stronger your loving connection to yourself is, the more your sense of wellbeing will grow. In the words of actor Robert Morley, “To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.”
So, don’t be afraid to show yourself a little love.
This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.
To be happy learn to control what you can, not what you can't
Ways to find happiness
Happiness is a funny thing. We all know we want it in our life, but it can be a tricky thing to define and possibly even harder to conjure up.
Part of the problem comes from the fact happiness is an emotion. If you believe you have to feel joyful in order to be happy, you’re in for disappointment. Nobody feels happy all the time. Your negative emotions developed to help you survive.
Whenever your mind perceives you’re in a win-lose scenario, your negative emotions focus you on your primary goal—survival. In primitive times, winning meant surviving and that programming is still with us.
Instead of linking happiness to an emotion, I suggest you link it to a sense of peace and contentment. Happy people seem to find a way to accept the things life tosses at them. That doesn’t mean you have to like or agree with them. It’s about distinguishing between the things you can, and want, to change and those that are out of your control.
Living in Canada and worrying about the American election is futile. We are observers not participants, so save your energy for things you can change.
If you want to foster a greater sense of peace and therefore more happiness, the first step is self-awareness. Are you at war with your situation or people within it?
• Do you get angry at little things, like when a driver cuts in front of you?
• Do you fume when you can’t sleep because your partner is snoring too loudly, or they chew too vigorously when they eat?
• Do feel tired and discouraged with life in general?
Answering yes to any of those questions suggests you could benefit from a greater sense of Zen. Here are a few ways to help you get started.
If you tend to like to be in control, stop
I come from many generations of controllers. I’m not sure if it’s in our DNA, or we’ve just copied our elders. Either way we’re masters of overt and covert control. I speak from experience when I say, controllers live in humongous war zones.
No one will ever do things exactly the way you envision, so you’re bound to be disappointed and frustrated if you think they will. Remember that people rarely set out to upset you, it’s just they aren’t you. They do things differently and have their own opinions.
It’s also tempting to believe you can control the world around you if you behave in a certain way or follow a specific list of tasks. Sadly, there are far too many variables involved in any action to ever be positive things will turn out the way you expect.
I don’t care who you are, the chance of you controlling the weather is slim to none, and yet how often do people melt into puddles of anger, frustration and despair when it rains on the day of their big outside party.
Learn to recognize the things you can’t control and let them go. Be at peace with them.
Be a cheerleader for other people’s journeys, not the director
This point is related to the one above. Everyone’s on their own journey through life. Even your partner and children are taking their own trek. Share your wisdom and viewpoints, be there to cheer, comfort and console, but let them choose their path and overcome their challenges.
Parents find this particularly difficult, but if your children don’t learn to be responsible for their own lives, how will they manage when you’re no longer there to make the decisions. Accept that they’re not mini versions of you. They’re individuals, with visions and lessons of their own.
Trust
Trust is the key to finding peace, but adopting this principle is often easier said than done.
Choose to trust that what happens in your life, happens for you, not to you. There’s always a lesson, or opportunity to grow in every circumstance you encounter, both the good and the bad.
Remind yourself of the difficult times you’ve weathered, and all the ways they’ve made you stronger. Listen to your gut and believe in your ability to conquer whatever comes your way. You’ve done it before, so why should this time be any different.
Trust that your loved ones are learning from their own paths and will learn more by being in control of their decisions and accepting responsibility. If you encourage your children to make their own decisions when they are young, it’ll be easier for them to trust themselves as they get older.
Breathe
This may seem like a strange piece of advice, but when times get tough you may find yourself forgetting. Gritting your teeth, losing your temper or holding your breath won’t help you establish a sense of peace. Take a minute for a few deep, conscious breaths.
Happy people don’t expect their lives to be constantly smooth or endlessly joyful. Instead, they work to discover their Zen so they can be at peace with whatever they encounter.
This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.
More The Happiness Connection articles
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Previous Stories
- Dealing with change Jan 21
- Studying philosophy Jan 7
- Stay curious Dec 24
- Temper your expectations Dec 10
- Looking after yourself Nov 26
- Stop negative thinking Nov 12
- Third-person positive Oct 29
- Being happy in hard times Oct 15
- Column will return in fall May 17
- Kindness good for the skin Apr 9
- Tackling temptation Apr 2
- "The thief of joy" Mar 26