Ask Izzy (advice column)

This week Writer's Bloc introduces Izzy McKechnie, a modern day agony aunt. Izzy is a lover of nature, especially Darwinism (or any theory that deals brutally with incorrect behaviour). She is an astute and judgmental observer of people who appear to have been dropped on their head as a child. Izzy is a guest writer, adherent to the Oxford comma, and proud mother of three cats.

Note: The definition of an agony aunt is a British advice columnist who gives advice when people write in with problems. ~ www.yourdictionary.com

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Dear Izzy,

My girlfriend and I are getting married this summer, but she has been surfing Plenty of Fish and has recently changed her Facebook status to 'it's complicated'. Am I missing something here?

Signed,

It's Complicated

Dear It's Complicated:

It *is* complicated, isn't it? Getting married in itself is complicated, especially when the magical date looms a mere season away and you begin to realize this may be the end of the springtime of your life. 

You can't dwell on these daunting thoughts for too long, because you are committed to Karen now, and Karen is now committed to you. I have chosen your girlfriend's name to be Karen. She sounds like a Karen.

But let's be honest here, life is swift, and relentlessly moves forward. The fact is, you've been walking a mediocre beige/vanilla path all your life, and now you're finally taking a big sidestep into a steaming pile of Partnership in Mediocrity.

Commonly, the point in life you're at right now is viewed as a fork in the road, but it isn't really a fork in the road, it's more like a fork in your eye. It's there, in your eye. You can pull it out but you might bleed to death, or you can leave it there and settle in with your newfound partner, which is a fork sticking in your eye.

But we're talking about paths, specifically, paths that are unknown. So, what is this fresh path, this fresh hell? Where does it lead? A cliff? A freshly paved road leading to a gated community? A golden path leading to a religious cult?

But enough about me.

Marriage is big, and a terrible method for getting gifts and manic attention, and it goes far beyond just the two of you. Both your families will shortly be grappling in a death match for Thanksgiving and Christmas visits. One of your new in-laws must heed the call of the time-honoured title of Bizarrely Religious and Political Commentator at family gatherings. 

Some previous girlfriend will reappear and attempt to seduce you . . . the whole thing is biblical in nature. In a nutshell, many lives are impacted and altered by your choice. Masturbation will be back on the menu soon enough.

This is what is going on in her mind too, so stop being so selfish and fragile. 

Based on the weight of importance you place on Karen's Facebook relationship status, you may want to put down the video game controller and start reading some literature, or maybe learn how to fix something (other than your game console).

Karen is still playing the Single Girl while you two are an item that is going to be much more item-y in summer. Is this behaviour new since you decided to get married, or do you have an open relationship?

Assuming your relationship is open, ask yourself if you want exclusivity after the vows are spoken. If so, you are in for disappointment. She is the girl who sleeps with the stripper at her own bachelorette party. She is the girl who sleeps with your best man. She is the girl who sleeps with - and will continue to sleep with after you're married - Jeff from Accounting in your new bed from the Hudson’s Bay, where you’re registered.

Karen's Facebook status is a public cry for advice from friends, and/or a call to come get some before it's called ‘cheating’.

Consider too, that if her FB status bothers you, you are already secretly stalking her. This is not a healthy start.

To answer your question, you are probably not missing something. It's clear she has doubts. Ask yourself if you're pressuring her into this. Ask her if she feels pressured. Then go camping, drink lots of wine, talk it all out, make out under the stars, then revisit the idea of getting married a couple years down the road.

Calm down and have some fun with Karen. At best, she will fall in love with a more carefree fun version of you. At worst, she'll fall in love with a more carefree version of you but still marry you, and you'll revert back to the uptight dummy you already are.

Sincerely,

Izzy, the cynical parent you should have had

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Do you have a relationship question for Izzy? Are you tough enough to hear the answer? If so, please email [email protected]

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.