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I know why you two fight: Part 2

In part 1, we looked at the first reason why you two may fight, your protective self vs. your authentic self.

Now I want to talk about the great Terry Real, best selling author and founder of the Relational Life Institute, who coined the term "core negative image (CNI)” as it relates to the core negative image you may possess about your partner. This thought provoking nugget has really helped me on my journey and it may help you too.

Your partner's CNI of you isn't really you, but an exaggerated version of you at your worst. It's your evil twin that often shows up in a disagreement or conflict.

"She is so cold, controlling, and manipulative!"

"He is nasty, withdrawn, and passive aggressive!"

CNI awareness is great, but learning how to work with each other's CNIs, according to Real, can be the single most transformative aspect of relationship empowerment work.

In his book, "The New Rules of Marriage", Real has an entire chapter/exercise in working with CNIs. Essentially it comes down to this reality. In a fight, when you are presented with your partner's CNI of you, I guarantee you will react combatively, citing the obvious distortion of their image, "You are crazy, I am NOT like that at all." We defend, deflect, and diffuse.

But remember, the CNI is the you, when the most immature wounded parts of you are driving the ship. So instead of battling or refuting it, the true power comes when you stop denying the truthful aspects and instead accept that a few grains of truth might exist and accept that. Being defensive will not help.

When couples enter into this classic Texas gunslinger standoff of "I'm right. No, I'm right!" the only winning answer, according to Real, is "Who cares?!"

Do you want to be right or happy? You can’t have both.

Your relationship needs some heroic leadership sometimes. You can be the one to lay down your armour and sword, disarming your protective self, thus taking the high road to happiness, not the well worn trail to righteousness. Stop slamming doors, withdrawing, or trying to control your partner. You can only control yourself.

Feeling brave? Here is the takeaway this week.

When you and your partner are in a good place, be vulnerable and try asking about their core negative image of you. Again, don’t refute or build a defense, just listen and learn from the grains of truth.

What is your core negative image of your partner? How does that affect your day to day living?

Moving forward, how will this new CNI awareness change the rules of engagement??

Please be brave and share….

 

[email protected]

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.



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About the Author

Jeff Hay is a Kelowna-based writer, motivational speaker, parenting coach, and father of four.

Along with writing for Castanet, Jeff also writes for the Huffington Post, the Good Men Project, and the National Fatherhood Initiative in the United States. 

When he is not playing his favourite role of 'DAD', Jeff speaks throughout Canada as a popular parenting educator, working on his website – www.thedadvibe.com, and writing his parenting book for dads, “Wait Till Your Father Gets Home!

Jeff dedicates his life to improving the well-being of children by increasing the proportion of children growing up with involved, responsible, and committed fathers.

E-mail Jeff your thoughts or questions anytime at [email protected]

 



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The views expressed are strictly those of the author and not necessarily those of Castanet. Castanet does not warrant the contents.

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