Will power.

According to Dictionary.com, it means “to have control of one's impulses and actions self-control.” The American Heritage Dictionary defines it as “the strength of will to carry out one's decisions, wishes, or plans.”

At the risk of agreeing with our neighbors south of the border, personally, I prefer the latter.

And it’s not because I don’t believe willpower requires significant restraint and control, but because I believe will is the operative word in this exercise. Without the will, power will get you absolutely nowhere. I say this because I know this to be true.

What very few people know about me is that I’ve recently quit smoking. Now, normally, that’s something I would share proudly with family and friends. The hitch is: that kind of self-affirming proclamation would hold so much more meaning if friends and family actually knew I’d been a smoker. (Ahhh… the veil of secrecy has been lifted.)

Last summer, I picked up the nasty habit… again. After quitting for four years, it was a tremendously stupid thing to do. But, for me, getting hooked was as simple as that first cigarette. One drag and I threw away four years of freedom. I became a nicotine junkie. To make matters worse, I didn’t have the balls to own up to my behaviour. I snuck around. I lied. I hid it from my kids. I hid it from my family and friends. With the exception of my husband and the few that caught me, it was my dirty little secret.

Dirty little secrets eat us from the inside out. They gnaw away at our self esteem, our integrity, our self respect. Every morning I woke up determined to quit. I put all my energy into self-control and trying to curb my impulses. I failed miserably. I disappointed my husband, and I disappointed myself. I didn’t have the will.

Then the twins caught me. They were devastated. They cried. They ripped up my cigarettes. They told me I was going to die just like my father and a friend who had passed with cancer. A darkness, so thick and so pained, seeped into my chest. I was absolutely sick about it. In my selfishness, I had damaged their ability to trust me and had robbed them of their inherent right to feel safe and secure. No ten-year-old should have to worry if their Mom is going to die. It may sound simplistic and extreme, but when viewed through the life experience of a child, it was the only truth they knew.

And that is where I found my will. Buried beneath the lies and the secrets and the apparent self loathing, I found the will to make a different choice. Maybe sometimes we have to visit the darkness in order to find what we have lost. Once we reclaim our will, we can harness more of our personal power than you could ever believe. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way!” is a very powerful statement, indeed.

I decided to make a one-thousand dollar bet with a friend to quit smoking. (Hey, there’s nothing wrong with a little reinforcement!) Should I win the bet (and I will!), the money will go into the kids’ college fund. In addition, I subject myself to periodic breath tests to assure the boys I really have quit and to help rebuild their trust. It’s a healthy reminder of the consequences of my choices. A choice I pray, every day, my children will never make.

Right now, there are dear people in my life who are making choices that are hurtful to themselves, their families, their reputations, and their lives. I do my best to support them. I try to help them by sharing my own life experiences. Sometimes they get it. Sometimes they throw up their hands and say “I can’t!”

Personally, I don’t believe in the word can’t and hope, one day, they’ll stop giving that concept so much power. In my experience, there’s no such thing as can’t. It’s a matter of choice. Either you choose to make a change, or you don’t.

The realization of choice is the first step in reasserting the power of our will.

And trust me… a will can beat a can’t hands down!