Photo: Contributed

The other day I was looking in the mirror when I noticed that I had bags under my eyes. Not huge suckers mind you, but there was certainly something there. Now I only noticed this because moments earlier I had glanced at the back cover of a magazine lying face-down on the counter beside me. It featured a photo of a very fit, and very handsome, middle-aged man. The dude was hot, and I kinda wished I looked as good as he did. “Gee,” I thought, as I stared at my slightly tired and droopy face in the mirror, “Maybe I really should try and do something about this?” And at the exact moment that thought officially escaped my brain I absolutely swear that I heard the sound of far off (and long dead) laughter, compliments of none other than Monsieur Eugène Schueller.

Pity the poor L’Oreal Group. Here they are, the largest beauty and cosmetics company in the entire world, and they’ve had to accomplish that feat solely on the backs of a single gender. If the legendary French chemist and L’Oreal founder Dr. Eugene Schueller could only have been successful at roping in men to facilitate his rise to the top of the beauty industry heap his global firm might have actually been .......well, even more big.

Dead or not, Schueller’s minions have identified the challenge and picked up one incredibly effective piece of beauty artillery to wage the war for men’s vanity needs. And while, on the surface, their choice may seem somewhat counterintuitive, it is actually a near-perfect masterstroke. A simple move of such undiluted evil genius that brilliantly mixes hyper-reality with addictive fiction in pitch-perfect amounts, so as to result in a formula destined to ensure the happy assimilation of men into the never-ending funhouse that is the beauty industry. Paging Dr. House, you’re wanted in advertising. Dr. House?

That’s right. L’Oreal has signed a worldwide contract with Hugh Laurie, he of the lovably cranky genius from hit TV hit House. Dr. House, aka Hugh Laurie, is the male face of L’Oreal for men. Now, even if you don’t watch House, you certainly know Hugh the actor. He’s been around for what seems like forever. He has been a star in Europe for years, conquered the US, Germany, Italy, Spain, the Czech Republic and more. His show is actually recorded as being the most popular dramatic show on television, watched by well over 80 million people throughout nearly 70 countries. To understand the strength of this man’s global grip you have to know that he alone – a flatulent (I’m guessing), pasty Englishman from Oxford - knocked David Hasslehoff from his post as “world’s most watched man.” And remember, Hugh is not often surrounded by bobbling beach babes.

The commercial features Laurie (House really, cause that’s all we plebs truly know him as) confronting age. Forty-five, to be specific. And what a guy might choose to do. Hugh gently chides his way through such things as panicking, getting spiritual or perhaps writing one’s life-story. From there, he posits going on a diet – and then possibly cheating such a thing by getting surgery. He then suggests going far away (in space) or re-discovering one’s youth – with bimbos. All the while, Hugh is acting out these behaviours to great comic-effect. It’s all very quick and breezy, especially as we realize how silly such distractions are. But the end brings everything home as Hugh reminds us we could also just keep it real by doing as he does: which is dabbing on some Vita-Lift and finding satisfaction in simply being who we really are. I do so love that everything but moisturizing with L’Oreal is somehow an age-coping dead-end. Nice touch.

The overall product is tagged as a sort of mini skincare line for men. They claim to erase tired lines with an anti-aging moisturizer, something called an eye roll and various other pro-retinol-laced, ginseng-stuffed, rice-protein-y infused whatnots and.......look, it’s all very scientific. Would House use something that didn’t actually work? Not bloody likely.

Yes, L’Oreal has conjured up a winner here as men take the visual of Laurie, the crustily all-man Holmes-ian medical genius, to heart – which allows them to shake away the shame of becoming inordinately fixated on their looks. And I guess as I to find myself making personal comparisons to the man in the magazine it’s only a matter of time before I too sign on to some metro-sexually prescribed (but ultimately emasculating) skin regimen. Father, forgive me for what I am fairly likely to do.