Warm Cinnamon

 

“Okay, if everyone could pay attention to the monitor over here we’ll present the firm’s all-new promotional campaign for this coming year. The first piece is...

“Hold on Fjelstad, let me just stop you there. I was at this fundraiser the other night with George Clooney.”

“Yes, Mr. Bjerke?”

“It was amazing, simply amazing. There was an orchestra, lots of wine, we ate truffles and these little bacon things inside square eggs with mango or liverwurst or pine nuts or something......anyway. George Clooney was there. And let me tell you all. He is a truly wonderful man - handsome, funny, rugged...and believe it or not, he actually smells like warm cinnamon.......”

“I’m not following Mr. Bjerke.”

“The point is I want us to do an ad with George Clooney.”

“But sir, the campaign is already completed and ...”

“I don’t give a hestkuk for the spots you’ve already done. Is George Clooney in any of them?”

“No.”

“Exactly, so re-tool the entire campaign. Everything. Clooney is IT. You get that people? This guy is where it’s at with...uh, kids today and hip people and women and youth....he’s IT!.

“Sir, I don’t really see...”

“Listen Fjelstad I was there, okay? The man is absolute catnip to the ladies, if you know what I mean. In fact, that should be in the ad – that the ladies love him, eh?”

“Sir...?”

“And make the ads eye catching. So use an exotic locale.”

“Sir, we’re a Norwegian bank....”

“And don’t forget. George mentioned that he really loves shooting in Italy. So let’s make that happen too, okay?”

“But sir, our ad budget simply can’t handle a performer of Mr. Clooney’s......stature.”

“We’ve got two trillion bucks lying around this dump - you make it work, forsta? I’m not going to have Clooney thinking I’m some sort of spineless logner CEO who can’t get things done, now get busy din jævla drittkuk! ”

“Right away sir.”

 

And there you have it. The only possible circumstance I could ever imagine that would lead to a Norwegian bank hiring George Clooney to star in an ad for them. I’ll admit I don’t know anything about how it actually came to pass but at least the idea of the DnB NOR bank CEO having a man-crush on Clooney is plausible. I mean why else would Rune Bjerke (Herr CEO) sign off on something like this?

 

The ad is laughable. It opens on a completely dishevelled woman who wakes from an obviously alcohol-induced slumber. Clearly, the party the night before was a humdinger. She looks around the fancy hotel room in confusion before realizing she has a massive (and ridiculously cheesy) wedding ring on her hand. As she crawls to her feet she discovers a wedding dress – her wedding dress – on the floor in a pile. Her expression never changes from abject shock, even as she examines some discarded Polaroids lying around. Unfortunately, even these are no help in determining the identity of her new spouse, as one shot shows his head being replaced with a horse’s (and no, I don’t entirely get this one but perhaps it’s some sort of Norwegian humor). Anyway, we finally get the big reveal as George Clooney enters the room, excitedly explaining that he wanted to let her sleep as he goes on to play the role of beloved wedding surprise. The whole spot is kind of bizarre (to say the least) but the tie in to the bank is quite simply ludicrous. The voice over explains that while some people are lucky in life and don’t need to worry about things like finances or the future (eg. the drunk trollop who somehow landed Clooney) the rest of us will need to trust the steady hand of experience and caution provided by none other than DnB NOR bank. Well isn’t that special?

Look, they’re a successful company and they can spend their trillions on whatever stupid idea they want but an ad like this? Really? This is what their focus groups came up with? We are seeing banks (and countries) going belly up globally while investor confidence as a whole ranks somewhere between PANIC! and JUMP! while these rakfisk-eating tilbakeståendes are funnelling a few million Krones George’s way so they can rub shoulders with him? How can their corporate judgement not be considered impaired? Honestly, if you ever needed a reason to sell a company short this is it.

At the end of the day, if it really is the case that the CEO is pining for some alone-time with George that’s something he should pony up for personally – not his firm. But if DnB NOR bank truly believes that George Clooney is the answer to increased quarterly profits then they are certainly within their rights to do whatever it takes to land him. Besides, they can always explain the whole idea to their shareholders at the next annual general meeting. And maybe George might even agree to attend. I’ve heard he’s actually a pretty nice guy. And who doesn’t love the smell of warm cinnamon?

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.