Of Beers and Bulls

There’s a fairly base (yet perfect) joke that goes a little something like this: Two bulls are standing on a hill overlooking a pasture full of cows. The young bull bucks and rears, twisting left and right, as he says eagerly to the old bull, "Hey, let's run down there and CENSORED a cow." The old bull chuckles knowingly before turning his massive head and replying, "How about we take our time walking down and CENSORED them all instead." Now, while the immediate text of the joke might offend the sensibilities of gentler readers, what’s really at stake is the truth contained within: the wisdom of age, applied correctly, will always outdo the exuberant inexperience of youth.

Photo: Contributed

So you can understand my fascination with the new Heineken “Open your world” ad campaign. The first ad in the group – The Entrance - opens on a slightly tousled but seriously handsome young man entering a fancy dinner party. On the way in, he mugs with all manner of odd dignitary, back-slapping and joshing with a hyper-intensity that is almost exhausting to consider. The soundtrack, The Golden Age (as performed by The Asteroids Galaxy Tour), actually sets the mood perfectly, offering a steady beat with a slightly dippy vocal sound suggesting banal excitement minus any depth. As Heineken boy twists and twirls his way through the party, doing tricks, playing instruments and ninja fighting(!) he works overtime to ensure that all inside know how cool he is. This is no mere inconsequential party attendee. In fact, the ladies almost melt at the heat alpha boy gives off as the entire room soon succumbs to his kinetic awesomeness. I guess hugging it out with comic book dictators and leading conga lines with despots will do that for you. As an aside, if I had to pick a real-world composite, I do think this commercial reveals how Sean Penn might enter a fancy party in, say, Venezuela or pre-war Libya. Sure, he’d be way grouchier and probably smoking, but then he doesn’t have to sell beer, now, does he? No matter what the parallels, though, in this spot Heineken boy just seems to be “working it” way too hard.

According to Heineken, this whole campaign is an initiative designed to “recognize[s] the legend in all of its drinkers. Men who know their way around and recognize a fine beer when they taste one.” Okay, so then why not let the spotlight come to you, no? The next ad in the campaign is more of the same. Called The Date, it continues the commercial trend of displaying a bunch of over-the-top hyperactivity in search of approval.

Contrast this with the easy elegance displayed by Dos Equis’ Most Interesting Man in the World. As a brand ambassador he already has the wins the flash grifter from Heineken is gunning for, so he plays it cool. The MIMITW owns his room, too, but expends no sweat in achieving it – unlike Heineken boy who, desperate to be noticed, runs around in circles thirty-two times hoping he doesn’t throw up. Clearly Heineken’s introduction of this dude shows they are attempting to create their own aspirational character due to the success Dos Equis has enjoyed with their own creation. Still, they seemed to have missed the point. Either that or they are way more insecure as a brand than I ever thought they were, which is funny for a brand founded in 1864 that owns more than 125 breweries in more than 70 countries. In fact, they even brew Dos Equis, which they purchased back in 2010. Older than Dos Equis by a good 33 years, you’d sort of figure that oughta buy you a bigger set of brass ones? Maybe not.

Anyway, comparing the two – which one can’t help but do – shows that Dos Equis is still winning the war. Heineken is left to audition for the brand of wannabes - excitable young bulls so desperate to run down the hill and make their mark that they forget what the game is all about. Confidence is king, always and forever. So whether it’s bulls in a field or beers in your hand, when it comes to taking my reward I’d much rather take my time walking down the hill any day of the week.

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.