And then the big day finally came. With all the ad-related foofarah surrounding the lead up to this year's pigskin party you’d think Super Bowl XLIV would have been the absolutely, best-year ever for Super Bowl ads. Controversy was everywhere – from Tim Tebow and his haters to the ManCrunch bunch and their iffy credit report. GoDaddy brayed about whatever too-hot-for-TV travesty they were working on while The Who got tapped for the requisite twelve minute medley concert that thankfully did not feature a wardrobe malfunction of any kind (good thing too, did you see Daltry?). Anyway, there was a lot to live up to. So, when push came to shove could the ads footing the bill for the big show deliver on all the advance hype? Well, not so much.

Some were funny, most were okay but way more than a few were little more than a colossal waste of time and money. Let’s survey the damage.

Dr. Pepper showed up this year with new buddy Gene Simmons sporting his full demon regalia in a concert ad that featured him and the band alongside a mini-Kiss version of themselves, all to sell a “mini-kiss” of cherry spiked inside some new version of Dr. Pepper. The whole mini-me thing is pretty played out by now but I will admit it was sort of neat seeing a tiny Kiss demon wagging his tongue at the crowd. Still, Gene Simmons has become something like Donald Trump these days – arrogant, smarmy and somehow everywhere. He’s still cool – but only barely.

Doritos did their customer-commercial routine again where normal folks compete for the right to sell nachos. Most efforts were so-so but the one called “casket” was actually pretty funny. Sitting at a funeral, two buddies discuss their “deceased” friend who is actually faking his own death a few feet away to get a week off work and his lifelong dream of being buried in coffin full of Doritos. Cut to buddy in the box, watching the game and getting so excited he manages to flip the box over and spill himself, and everything else, out in front of everyone. Tasteless, moronic and stupid – but I laughed for the first time all day when I watched.

ETrade was back with their regular baby dude but this time added a pair of duelling girlfriends. It was kind of smirk inducing at first but I like baby dude when he’s lecturing about money and being a baby. The idea that he’s dating or making out with other babies just crosses the line for me. Making the money, okay but sweet baby love? Ewwwww….no, no, no.

The Simpson’s did an ad for Coke this year and it was...nothing. Really. We see Mr. Burns lose all his money, wealth, whatever so he wanders aimlessly through Springfield (allowing for shots of all the usual suspects). Apu has some Coca-Cola and hands one to the old buzzard – showing how easy it is to “Open Happiness.” What in hell was the point in doing this ad? No real humour. No real wit. Nothing. I sure hope Matt Groening makes good use of whatever gold bathtub he decided he needed for his left foot because there was no other plausible reason for this ad to exist.

The biggest deal was the Tim Tebow ad of course. Focus on the Family paid for the spot and then sat back while a bizarre narrative of unfiltered bile seemed to well-up in numerous – and I used to think normal – women’s groups. By the time the ad ran I was fully prepped to witness Tebow doing some sort of Nazi parade salute while savaging a woman’s right to vote, own property or drive a car without a chaperone. The actual ad was a non-event. All that happened was Tebow’s mom talked about how much she loves and worries about her boy while Tim does a fake tackle of her before they hug and smile. The words “Celebrate family. Celebrate life” closed it off. Obviously, no apologies were forthcoming from those who slammed it in advance – but they did insist it still “promoted violence against women.” Classy.

The Go-Daddy spots were ludicrous – again. They so need a new schtick. Even if every guy in the world is truly that base is anyone still enjoying these things? They have become a bad punch-line. Joe Francis should buy them out - he might actually improve their image. And someone needs to stage an intervention for that Danica Patrick. I don’t care how much money they’re paying that poor woman. She needs rescuing….badly. Is it Stockholm syndrome or something?

For me, the best ad from the game this year goes to Snickers. In it, we see a bunch of guys playing football in a muddy park with…..Betty White. The game is rough and Golden Girl Betty (in her best blue pant suit) is trucking along when she gets absolutely hammered to the ground by a tackle. Crawling to her feet, the guys in the huddle call her “Mike” and rag on her for “playing like Betty White.” Betty talks a little trash just as her girlfriend comes over with a lifesaving Snickers. Reverting back to normal, “Mike” instantly returns – right when the quarterback that was previously jamming on him turns into Abe Vigoda. Tag line? “You’re not you when you’re hungry.” Awesome. Betty White – taking hits and talking smack – my kind of ad. Plus, any company that hires Abe Vigoda gets my loyalty for life. That dude just goes on forever. I mean, he was pre-historically ancient way back on Barney Miller. Watch the spot here:


Snickers Commercial - Betty White - Super Bowl 44 Spot

Check in next week and I’ll rip on a few more of the minor successes, along with some pretty weak flops coming off this year’s big game.