So, what are you willing to put inside your mouth?

Stay with me here. It’s an honest question. Generally we’ll put the damnedest things in there so long as we figure it’s what we want at the time. Take...pickles for instance. Now, some folks claim that pickles (or at least the vinegar anyway) will melt your body’s bones in no time flat. Still, I happily stuff them on in because I just cannot deny myself their dilly goodness. Hot dogs too. Everyone knows what’s supposedly inside those demonic little tube steaks. I guess we’re all willing to look the other way if we want something bad enough.

The problem comes when you’re absolutely forced to confront the reality of what you’re opening your trap to. And when that reality takes the form of something insanely gross it’s impossible to look at things the same ever again. Pure disgust makes an indelible impression, no? For example, thirty-some years ago I tasted the most foul, pint-sized Oh Henry bar late one Halloween night. Without a doubt it had spent the previous twelve months swaddled in moth balls because to this day even the sight of an Oh Henry bar causes my throat to spasm and my gag reflex to seize up. Memories are powerful things but gross ones are psychically inescapable.

So I have to give full credit to a new UK ad promoting the purchase of real, pharmacist-dispensed drugs versus their illegal cousin knock-offs.

The ad starts off with a middle-aged guy, greying just enough to make him look serious, padding into the kitchen of his home and pausing to sort the mail. He opens one large envelope, clearly an expected mail-order delivery of prescription drugs. Now, we all know that mail-order drugs are cheaper – that’s the main pitch after all – so we’re even sympathetic to the situation. What’s wrong with saving a few bucks?

Thrifty dude tears open the pack and downs a tiny pill. He then turns on the water and heads to the cabinet to grab a glass to wash it all down. Are you freaking yet? Here it comes, get ready for the grossness.

Penny Pincher begins to choke ever so slightly and flexes his neck a bit. Something is not right. Camera goes in really, really close as he appears to be pushing something back up and out his mouth. Worried, he pokes a couple fingers into his mouth and starts fishing around. It is here that the sick sound effects officially begin as we hear a squishing sound that I imagine comes from entrails being stirred. Thrifty man then pulls out what appears to be a long, snake-y kind of thing. Looking mucho worried he pulls harder and we watch – eyes wide and, by now totally incapable of ever looking away, as he drags a full-sized, dead-as-a-doornail rat from his mouth. Ewwwwwwwwww!

Poor guy stands in horror, staring at this horrific sight as the British announcer intones “Rat poison – just one of the many dangerous ingredients that may be found in fake medicines purchased from illegal websites.” The caption along with it says “Get real, get a prescription” while we see cheap dude retching into his sink off-camera. Now I do enjoy the whole rat business in the sense that he pulls actual vermin out of his mouth when the ingredient in question is “only” rat poison. I mean, illegal drugs okay but no one said they’re putting actual rats in there. Still though, I mean holy crap is this spot ever effective. I get squirrelly about what’s in a samosa. I may never eat a pill again.

It does bring an interesting question to mind though. I’ve known more than a few folks that have their own, shall we say, street corner pharmacist, who provide them with “meds” and while they are fully aware of the illicit nature of the business realities their dealer faces they are ridiculously calm regarding the risk they take on what they’re actually putting in their mouth. How the same folks who can get all snotty about whether their apples are organic or not can take Fast Eddie’s say so regarding his stash’s ingredients is beyond me. No, the image of a rat coming out that guy’s mouth will haunt me forever meaning no more knock-off drugs ever for this one-time cheap bastard.

And by the way. If at any time during this column you were smirking or giggling about the naughty connotations of “putting things inside your mouth” then shame on perverted old you. Not everything has to be about that, now does it? Get your mind out of the gutter creepo.

IT’S CONTEST TIME at AdFool. You could WIN a $50 gift certificate to Milestone’s Grill + Bar just by emailing your name and address to jarrod@littlebluetruck.com. Make sure you put “AdFool Contest” in the subject line if you want to be included. Contest closes at Midnight, June 21, 2009 so get your entry in ASAP. And please, only one entry per person.