When it comes to cars I’m not exactly Mr. Goodwrench. My automotive instincts pretty much stop dead at putting the key in the ignition and trusting that the magic faeries will start things up so I can drive away. Intellectually, I know things go on under the hood but I really can’t be bothered as to understanding what they are. I realize this is a decidedly head-in-the-sand position to take, thus I fully expect to die quickly should a mechanic-friendly, Mad Max-like age of bare-bones auto mayhem somehow emerge.

So it only stands to reason that I’m not exactly picky when it comes to the motor oil my car uses. As long as it’s liquid, black and oily looking I’m pretty sure it ought to work out fine. Descriptions of viscosity or wear protection put me to sleep. However, I do like commercials that feature lots of shouting and physically aggressive Scots.

When William Wallace (as channelled by one Melvin Gibson) raised his sword and bellowed “They might take away our lives but they’ll never take our FREEDOM!” I got all goose-pimply. How couldn’t you? Real passion and intensity are electric, and everyone knows that the Scots have it in spades.

I mean look at Sean Connery for heaven’s sake. If ever there was a man who even sitting dead still in a chair looks like he could go off at any moment, it’s him. Remember that interview back in the eighties where he calmly owned up to Barbara Walters about his thoughts on giving a woman a good smack? Not only did he not back down but he got feminist extraordinaire Walters to end the interview praising his manhood. It’s no wonder Moneypenny never filed a harassment suit. Passion gets a pass, it would seem.

Knowing this likely explains my ridiculous fascination with a Castrol Edge motor oil commercial featuring a crazed Scot running around in coveralls viciously whacking people with a dipstick. Hoo-rah!

In the ad, a guy stands outside his garage and facing camera, holds up a litre of motor oil and says “The way I see it, all synthetic motor oils are the same.” Suddenly, a red bearded Scotsman runs up and absolutely whips the poor sucker across the back of the legs with an actual dipstick, yelling at him to “Think with yer dipstick, Jimmy!” As the guy cradles his now seriously welted back legs “Dipstick Scotty” runs off. Next we see our Scottish aggressor slide out from under a car just as some guy in a suit suggests that all synthetic motor oils are the same. Big mistake, as the poor dude gets it too, right across the back of his legs. Then, we move on to some schmo bowler who pops off about synthetic crude being all the same. As expected, he also gets it hard across the small of his back, causing him to toss the bowling ball he was cradling backwards through a trophy cabinet. Finally, the spot wraps up on a guy in a store who actually picks up the Castrol Edge and says “I’m gonna try this.” Dipstick Scotty explodes behind him and still smacks him right across the legs, altering his line only slightly - “That’s thinkin’ with yer dipstick, Jimmy!” The guy recovers and painfully asks “So why’d you hit me?” “Cause you were thinkin’ with yer dipstick, Jimmy” just before he swats him again. Pointless, violent and quite simply, awesome.

Anytime you have an ad that stars an unhinged crazy who smacks people for no good reason I am officially onboard. Is there a larger purpose here? I mean, could Castrol actually be looking to create a sort of phantom pain in all prospective customers with this ad? Tell me regular viewers of this spot won’t shoulder check before they grab their oil of choice. That fact alone would make me look for Castrol Edge first.

When it came to oil advertisements I really thought that the random appearance of monkeys was the pinnacle of humor – boy was I mistaken. Nothing could have prepared me for an angry Scot with a slap fetish. He rocks. Now if only I could figure out what exactly my car needs oil for in the first place. Maybe it’s got something to do with that dipsticky-thing that nutjob’s waving around.