Emotional maturity

Photo: Contributed

When you experience a two-year-old having a temper-tantrum, or a 15-year-old vehemently arguing his or her point with no room for compromise, you are witnessing emotional immaturity. The emotions of anger, fear or frustration overtake one's ability to behave in a rational manner.

You are in control of your emotions. That is not to say that you never become emotionally charged - joy, sadness, anger, frustration, jealousy - these emotions were given to you for a reason and it's largely what makes us human. But like most things in this world, balance is the key to emotional maturity. Chasing a good time, numbing uncomfortable emotions with drugs or alcohol or wallowing in self-pity, are ways emotionally immature or unaware people prevent themselves from fully embracing life.

If you started using drugs and alcohol at a young age to fit in and feel more comfortable in social situations or, to escape difficult circumstances, you stunt your emotional growth. When addicts get clean and sober, they learn that their emotional maturity is stuck at the age they started using. That is why dealing with the real world is so challenging even when the substance abuse ceases. They soon discover that stopping the addiction can save their lives, but it doesn't fix it. It is the first step. They learn their emotional state is raw and oversensitive, much like that of a young child or teenager. Initially, they don't handle stress or conflict well. It takes time and a lot of effort to achieve a new level of emotional maturity, but it does happen with time and effort. For many, building spiritual muscle provides the strength they need and yields significant and lasting results in sobriety.

Addiction is not the only thing that creates emotional instability. There are many unhelpful behaviours you may have learned from the people you have grown up with and adapted from the environment in which you lived. As well, traumatic experiences can create negative shifts in behaviour and need to be addressed and healed in order to grow in a positive way. Playing the victim, judging others to avoid looking at yourself, having a negative or angry attitude in general, are methods by which you are not taking responsibility for your own emotional maturity. You justify your behaviours and attitudes rather than taking ownership of them. Instead of learning how to handle and move through emotional situations, you have learned to avoid or deflect. When you overreact, fear sits just below the surface. You are fearful because you don't know how to deal with your feelings or how to control your emotional responses.

Emotions are a guidance system. They are designed to help address issues that need resolving so that you can bring balance into your life. When your experiences cause you to feel stress, anger, sadness or fear, it is an indicator that your physical and mental states are being thrown off kilter. Your job is to bring yourself back to a place of peace. This is something the spiritual part of your being is designed to help you with. You learn the benefits of silence. A clear mind is a gateway to allowing a higher power to help resolve your challenges. Your job is to be willing to be honest with yourself and others about how you are feeling and have faith that your higher power will guide you through.

Too much of anything is not good for you. In an unhealthy state, you may use emotions to manipulate others with displays of self-righteousness, neediness, self-pity or anger. If you want more love and gratitude, cultivate emotions and share them with others. Seek to gain appreciation rather than sympathy. With awareness, willingness and lots of patience and practice, you can master your emotions. Through the process you learn how to bring forth more joy, contentment, love and happiness – emotions that have a very positive influence on you and others.

What is your definition of happiness? For some it is the sense of excitement that comes with new discoveries and experiences. For others, it is a feeling of peace and acceptance of life and all its circumstances. Perhaps it is a combination of these feelings. When we are young, excitement tends to be the elixir of joy; as we age, contentment and peace become bigger contributors.

The goal of becoming emotionally mature is to understand you are meant to experience all emotions as you travel through life. They guide and teach you many wonderful lessons but in the end, your faith in a higher power - the God of your understanding - is bigger than your emotions. When you are overwrought with grief, or guilt or shame or pain, it is your higher self that will help you to find peace, balance and joy by bringing forth your truest self, which is centered in love.

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.