Honesty

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom."

- Aristole

 

Being truthful has so many important applications, connotations and implications. Without honesty, life can be unfulfilling because you are not being true to yourself, let alone others. When you get caught up in a world of untruths a lot of energy is expended telling stories and trying to be 'that person' in order to justify the lies. In the process, you lose yourself.

Do you consider yourself an honest person? Do you tell "white lies" – tiny twists of truth you think are harmless – perhaps even helpful at times? Do you sometimes question why you lie when in fact, the truth would be just as easy to tell? Honesty is, ironically, a tricky business. There are few-to-none who have not told a lie. For most, the consequences are negative so you learn the hard way that the truth is the wisest choice. Still, it's not always easy to be completely transparent because it means that you have to be comfortable with all your thoughts and decisions.

There are a few instances whereby lying could perhaps save your life, or at least your sanity. If you come from a dysfunctional family you may have been conditioned to lie from a young age. Covering up the reality of what transpired in your home may have seemed essential with the public, school friends, teachers and extended family.

The challenge comes later in life, when you are no longer living in those circumstances and you need to "unlearn" the behaviour. Issues of self-esteem come into play because you have been conditioned to believe your life is not "good enough" to be truthful about it. It's a belief you may have subconsciously taken forward from childhood. You may find yourself embellishing – adding colour and impressive "facts" – to your story to ensure you appear "better than" the reality of the situation. You never learned what "normal" was in terms of family dynamics, so you've likely concluded it's far more "perfect" than it actually is. In fact, everyone's life has difficulties and there are no perfect families. To understand and acknowledge this can be challenging for adults who grew up in dysfunction. Your experiences have value and make you who you are. People appreciate honesty and openness.

Children can fall into the "not good enough" trap when parents place pressure on them to succeed, be it at sports, academics or other endeavours. Sometimes a child will lie to avoid criticism or gain positive reinforcement. Once again this sets up a pattern in adulthood that can have far-reaching, negative outcomes as the feelings of not measuring up to high standards can cause exaggerations, embellishments and lies.

If you say - or are told - you are a perfectionist, it likely stems from your need to appear in a good light to everyone around you. But in order to feel truly fulfilled, it's not important how the outside world sees you, it's about how you see yourself, without the masks and all of the "things" you use to define yourself. When you strip away the material things – the clothes, car, the well-decorated home – and look in the mirror, who do you see? Do you see a happy person? Can you say "I love you" to yourself? Do you feel fulfilled? Are you able to be vulnerable with others by sharing you true feelings? Your ability to tap into your emotions is one of the keys to knowing who you are. It helps determine what makes you happy, passionate, sad, angry or motivated.

No matter where you are in terms of living an honest life, one fact remains constant: if you can't be honest with yourself you can't be honest with another. When this happens you may find yourself in unsatisfying, superficial relationships that don't offer the deep connections you need to feel fulfilled. You may feel unfulfilled because you don't know what makes you happy and if you don't know that, you can't make another happy either.

Financial honesty is another topic well worth assessing. Do you cheat on your taxes? Do you return the excess money the cashier accidentally gives you? Do you justify dishonest actions by saying things like: "the government doesn't deserve my money", or "it's his fault he didn't add up the bill properly". Do you overspend and regret it later? Or perhaps you hoard money because you are fearful you may not have enough and are unwilling to part with it even when others are in need. It may be time to have a look at your motives if you want to become a happier, more confident individual. Gambling can be a very serious problem that can cause people to lie and cheat in order to feed what can become an addiction. This is an extreme example of financial dishonesty but it's a reality for many. Most people need to seek professional help and/or a support group such as Gamblers Anonymous to recover from this debilitating addiction.

Take an honest look at your level of truthfulness with yourself and others. No matter how hard you try to justify dishonest behaviours, lies create stress, guilt and shame. Living with these unhealthy emotions can cause numerous problems from a feeling of disconnection from the people around you to physical illness, job loss and relationship breakdowns.

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.