I broke up with my iPhone last night
Last night I told iPhone we need to start seeing other people. It was not an easy decision to make and I am still quite conflicted about it. However, I believe that we will, in time, both be better off. You see, lately we have been constantly in each other’s faces.
iPhone rings and I come running. iPhone texts and I reach for him like my very life depends on reading his latest epiphany, which is sad because he is a very lazy writer, and often would only use emoticons to communicate with me. Sometimes it just felt like he was phoning our relationship in.
We were never further than three feet apart and if we ever were, I became a little anxious. What if he was lost? What if I got lost? He always knew where I was, but often times he would disappear for an hour or so and I would have no idea where he was. I'd look everywhere for him. I'd call him but he never answered. I'd imagine him with someone else. It was terrifying. Then, he would just show up under a car seat or at some coffee shop that we'd go to from time to time. He'd act all innocent as if it were my fault he'd gone away. That's not how you treat someone you care about, is it?
He made me paranoid and co-dependent. I was constantly thinking ... What if I missed his call? What if he sent me an instant message and I didn't respond right away? Would he be mad? Would he think I was mad at him? He was one part slave one part master. I was slowly losing my sense of self. I relied on him for everything. Where should I eat? When should I sleep? He was my weatherman, my music man, my Instagram and my mailman all rolled up in one.
He frequently knew what I was going to say or write before I did. I used to hate how he was always auto correcting me in little passive aggressive ways by saying things like "did you mean psychiatrist?" when I would accidentally hit a wrong key on his tiny little keyboard. It's not as if he was the best speller, either. He never once spelled or pronounced my name correctly. It's Janyce, not Janice, and stop underlining it in red ink like a 5th grade English teacher. Very condescending, if you ask me.
The truth is, it's my own fault. I have to own the fact that I failed to set healthy boundaries. I willingly gave up my personal power to him and lived a life based solely on his prompts and cues. I was his well-trained seal and found myself at the mercy of his every tweet. However, that's all over now. I don't need him anymore. He can go auto correct some other girl because he and I are through.
Kindly don't tell him but I've actually been seeing someone new. We met online ... Who doesn't these days? Anyway he moved in with me yesterday and he is exactly what I need. A real breath of fresh air. He is younger than iPhone was and all my friends are so jealous. His name is iPad Air ... And I don't want to jinx it but I think he might be the one.
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