Tuesday, September 2nd14.6°C
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Random Rants

If the truth hurts it's likely a conspiracy

There is an evil imp running amok in my home and, while I've never actually seen him, I know exactly when he's been around. I believe he works at night and probably has other ne'er-do-well imps assisting him.  I'm sure he thinks he is amusing.  He is wrong.  The shenanigans he and his fellow miscreants get up to are both cruel and self-esteem-crushing.

What does he do you ask? Well I'll tell you.

He has been slowly shrinking my pants and other articles of clothing that, only six months ago, fit me perfectly.  I think he has a little sewing kit; he sneaks into my closet at night and makes minor adjustments to the waistbands of my trousers.  Nothing too noticeable at first, just a nip here and a tuck there. He is obviously all about the long con.

It's not just my clothes he's been sabotaging either.  He has also managed to have all the bathroom scales set 15 pounds heavier. How he does that is beyond me.  Clearly he has a background in engineering.  Or maybe he is invisible and stands behind me with a foot on the scale while I'm on it.  I really wouldn't put anything past him.

Now, how he manipulates my mirrored reflection is beyond me. When I'm standing in front of it, it actually looks as if I'm slightly more robust than I used to be.  Maybe he was once employed at a carnival and was in charge of the House of Mirrors.  It makes sense; I've been in those places and they can make anyone look like they follow a strict diet of Ding Dongs, burgers and Big Gulp sodas.

Why is he picking on me, though?  What did I do to deserve such a blatant attack on my self-esteem?  I'm a good person.

I support local charities.  Why, just last week the Girl Guides came to my door and I bought eight cases of their thin mint cookies. Not sure what became of them, though. I saw the boxes in the trash a few days later. Maybe the little imps got hungry and helped themselves to my stash.  I certainly couldn't have consumed them all by myself, and I was the only one who knew where they were.

I am also doing my part to lower my carbon footprint. I used to work out regularly, which caused me to breathe harder and with more frequency. Recognizing that my increased out flow of carbon dioxide could potentially have a negative effect on our already fragile eco-system, I have sacrificed my exercise program for the greater good.  Don't quote me on the science; I don't claim to be an expert. I'm just one person trying to make a difference on this great blue marble we call Earth.  It takes a village, people.

Now while I cannot prove with absolute certainty that these imps exist, and that they have been slowly but surely wreaking their havoc on my existence, I have come to a decision which could prove to be quite lucrative. I'm going to start a home-based business. I will provide overnight clothing alterations for a nominal fee.  I'll hang them up in my closet and put the little scamps to work for me instead of against me.  That will teach them to mess with an entrepreneur.

I have to run; pizza's here and I have to make sure they didn't forget the extra cheese. Did I mention how I support local businesses?



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About the Author

Janyce Resh is a working mother of eight children, four being of the furry variety. She and her family have called the Okanagan home for the past seven years. In her free time she writes a blog on janyceresh.wordpress.com. She firmly believes that if you haven't found the funny in life, you're probably not the one looking through her window.

Email: [email protected]

Blog: janyce.resh.wordpress.com




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The views expressed are strictly those of the author and not necessarily those of Castanet. Castanet presents its columns "as is" and does not warrant the contents.


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