Call a priest: husband has a head cold!
My husband is not allowed to get sick. I will not permit it. It has happened before and quite frankly I'm not sure how our marriage survived.
That being said, I have set up precautions and they are as follows:
1. It is now a punishable offence to enter our home with any signs of illness. We are not by nature a discriminatory family, however if you come here with a drippy nose or complaining of feeling achy you will be asked to leave. Don't bother trying to fake good health either, I can smell a virus from forty paces and I will have you physically escorted from the premises.
2. If by some horrid turn of events a germ festival takes up residence among our ranks I will instantly transform our home to hazmat central. I'm not saying the CDC has consulted with me on tips to better safeguard a population in the event of an outbreak...but I'm here if they need me.
3. I arm him with anti-bacterial sprays, gloves and masks.
4. I lace his food with so much vitamin C his skin takes on an orange hue.
5. I have a Google alert set up for all new cold/flu preventative medicines.
6. Should he become symptomatic I have pre-registered him for any and all experimental studies that require test subjects, with the stipulation that if for some reason he receives the placebo they will take full custody of him for the duration of his illness. I have had papers drawn up and a notary on speed dial.
You might be asking yourself what the big deal is. So he gets sick - it's not the end of the world. Unless you are a wife, then I'm almost certain you understand. Not only do you know what I'm talking about ...you've been taking notes this whole time. You’re welcome.
As for the rest of you let me enlighten you.
My husband has the pain threshold of a kitten with rickets. I'm not exaggerating. There have been times when he has had the tiniest little cold and he's taken to his bed utterly convinced that a priest should be called to give last rites, and we're not even Catholic.
I once had to spoon feed him soup because he was too weak to hold the spoon. In my defense that was very early in our marriage and I was pretty naive. A lot has changed since then, not the least of which is we have moved closer to his mom. That way if he gets sick and there are no clinical studies to pawn him off on I can call a cab, grab his little go bag and let his mommy know he's on his way.
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