Stanley Cup Playoff etiquette
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World's largest election 
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My name is not Elaine
Here we are, at a downtown sidewalk café for early-morning fried eggs and beer. My companion, the now-famous columnist and radio personality Lori Welbourne, is sitting stark naked across from me. I am naked as well, and it feels pretty good, despite the gasps of horror from disapproving people who . . . wait a minute, is that person picking up a rock?
Lori is a charming mix of fun, intelligence, wit, and a kind of quixotic modest-but-also-brazen way of approaching life. And she is a rare breed, a person who actually listens when you talk. Not only that, she’s stark naked.
Photo: Contributed
Lori is naked
Photo: Contributed
Jo is condemned
Lori: The crunching actually feels really good. A little pinchy pain wakes me up and makes me feel alive. Which, incidentally, is better than feeling dead.
Me: Yes, if you were dead, people would complain that you were being dead on purpose, as a publicity stunt. Has that part surprised you, the negative reactions of some to your video?
Lori: Everything I do is a publicity stunt. All 200 videos and 228 columns previous to this included. In fact, my birth was a publicity stunt and my nipples were covered in pasties under pixilation because I flew out of the womb screaming for attention. Am I surprised about the negative reaction? Nope. Nipples are scary!
Me: Especially nipples set on high beam. Say, can you twirl your breasties in opposite direction of each other? I saw that once, and thought it was the coolest thing. I’ve tried, and my attempts were basically the opposite of cool. Wait, are you trying it right now? You ARE! Oh look, someone just dropped in a dead faint over there! You’d think they’ve never seen bipolar breasts before.
Lori: Thelma, that's the one of the left, she thinks differently than Louise, the one on the right. They're great girls and get along most of the time, but sometimes they just want to go in totally different directions, you know? As long as it's not south. Or over a cliff.
Me: Well, don’t look now but Louise keeps trying to take a sip of your beer when you raise your glass. So. for the .0000001% of the world population that doesn’t already know about it, you de-topped in front of the mayor, and filmed it, too. http://youtu.be/jOmgouk_U20 What made you do it, Lori?
Lori: I wanted to ask him about the legality of toplessness for women in Kelowna because I truly didn’t know, and no one I asked knew either. But I didn’t want to do a normal interview because I’m allergic to those. Plus it was hot in there.
Me: Did you have any idea that it would go viral? Oh my, look at that, they’re packing away the guy who fainted. Stop twirling now, you don’t want murder on your list of accomplishments.
Lori: Don’t tell me what I want – you’re not the boss of me. Thelma and Louise are. And no, I didn’t know it would go viral internationally. I thought only the peeps who knew me or Mister Mayor would watch it.
Me: I loved it, thought it was great fun, one of those ‘for reals’ laugh out loud moments. Apparently some people were offended. What would you like to say to those people? No, you can’t use that word. No, not that one either. Yeah sure that one . . . no, maybe not.
Lori: I would tell them that gender equality will only be reached if we are able to empower women, and shaming them as though they’re indecent, unladylike, attention-seeking, slutty and whatever else for simply wanting to exercise their constitutional right to go topless wherever a man can go topless is a shameful way to treat women.
Me: Well said, and true, too. You are married, with two kids. How did they react?
Lori: They all thought the video was funny and understood the interview was a parody without me having to explain that. Even my daughter, and she’s only ten. But she’s accustomed to my humour. They were away camping at the time, texting me YouTube numbers as they climbed. Once it hit its first million, they lost interest.
Me: So, as you sit there stark nekkid in front of me, I have to ask, why did you pixelate your breasts? Some have said it was hypocritical of you.
Lori: This wasn't an exercise in me wanting to expose my breasts, but rather to expose the double standard that exists, even in countries like Canada where it's legal, yet is harshly frowned upon and considered publicly indecent. Also, if it wasn’t censored, someone would have reported it to YouTube and it would have been shut down. On its second day it was suspended for two hours, probably because it had the word ‘topless’ in the title. The Wizard of Oz behind YouTube’s curtain never accepts my call, so I don’t know for sure.
Me: Oh well, that’s because I moonlight as the Wizard of Oz behind YouTube, and I’m usually just playing Plants vs Zombies instead of taking calls. I forward all calls to the Westboro Baptist Church. I’m sure you’ll be hearing from them in pretty short order. Okay, so tell me about this crazy radio talk show thang you’re doing, what is it about, how is it going, and, of course, are you naked when you’re doing it?
Lori: On The Rocks is a weekly talk radio show where my co-hosts Jason Rock, Stuntman Steve and I talk about the sex, political and entertainment headlines in an unfiltered way, just as you and I have been doing over these beers (are we ready to order the next round?) at breakfast. It can be heard live off our website at OnTheRocksTalk.com Wednesday nights 8-10 pm or later as a podcast off our site. Currently it’s on air in Nevada, and we’ll start selling it to other radio stations across North America this fall. And of course I’m naked when we’re on air. We’re all naked under our clothes.
Me: OMG what a cop-out, ‘we’re all naked under our clothes’. My readers want to know whether you’re all running around nekkid as jaybirds while working. “Naked under our clothes” my achin’ . . . so, okay, tell me, what’s next for the famous - or as some say, the infamous - Lori Welbourne?
Lori: I’ll continue with my weekly column and radio talk show, and I might get back into doing videos again. I need to find a publisher for my children’s book series. It’s illustrated by the wonderful Jim Hunt, who cartoons my column and the books are super cute. Like Mayor Walter Gray’s earlobes.
Me: Ahem, you just used ‘cartoons’ as a verb, Lori. Yes, the mayor does have totally cuddle-earlobes, one might wish to nibble on them if given a chance. Now down to the nitty gritty, what do you hope to gain from all this publicity?
Lori: I’ve already achieved a couple things: more people are talking about women’s equality, and more people have been exposed to my work. Ultimately, I’d like women to feel comfortable exercising their legal right to go topless wherever a man can be topless without the critical and often cruel judgment of others.
Me: Oh to hell with that, Lori, just tell us what you’re REALLY hoping to gain?
Lori: Alright, ALRIGHT, dammit. A street named after me would be nice. Welbourne Way perhaps? Or Lolly Lane. I’m not fussy. Either works.
So, that concludes our interview. Thank you so much for joining me, Lori. Since you’re stark naked, do you need a ride home? No? You’re jogging?
This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.
