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War of the words

The following message has been making the rounds on facebook: 

The message managed to stir up a drama-infused grammatical storm. Here is a brief excerpt of the ensuing vitriol:

__________

dear capital letters,

while we always value your hard work, it must be said that a simple restructuring of the above sentence saves uncle jack from a life of beastiality - 'uncle jack was helped off a horse', or 'i helped uncle jack, that dear man, off a horse' not to mention sundry other solutions.

love, your friend,
syntax

__________

DEAR SYNTAX,

YOU BLOODY STUCK UP COW!!! OHO, WAIT FOR IT - YOU NOTICE THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE TYPING IN ALL-CAPS THESE DAYS? BWAHAHAHA - YOU THINK THAT IS COINCIDENCE? NO. IT IS NOT. IT IS PART OF OUR MASTER PLAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA

JUST GO DIE, OKAY.

YOURS TRULY,
CAPITAL LETTERS

__________

dear capital letters,

really? you really want to go down this road? you know, if you keep yelling like that you’re going to give yourself a stroke. oh hold on, i have a handful of capital letters for you: BUGGER OFF.

sincerely yours,
syntax

__________

Dear Capital Letters and Syntax,

Such a fuss. Capital Letters, grow up and stop yelling, so rude. And Syntax, since when did you stop using capital letters? You both should be ashamed of yourselves, and should take a good long look at your shocking inability to properly use me in your sentences.

Full stop.
Punctuation

__________

Dear Punctuation,

OMG, you’re kidding, right? Like anybody cares about punctuation? Punctuation is about as exciting as a door knob and as useful as a pure thought at an orgy. Only blithering idiots with too much time on their hands care about you, Punctuation. Get a life, if you can find one among the piles of colons lying around at your place. Colons. Hahahaha. Only you, bro. Only you.

Signed,,,,.,..,!!!???,.,.,., <<<< (snort)
Capital Letters

__________

dear capital letters:

fine. you have insulted me for the last time. from this point on, i was never going to use capital letters again, i did signed on with the lowercase team because: you suck.

whatevs,
punctuation

__________

Dear Punctuation,

I . . . please say this is a joke, Punctuation, because you sure were all over the map with your tenses there. You got a time machine where you live or something? My god. What an intellectually befuddled toad you are. And I say that with a big fat exclamation mark.

Truly in the moment, except when in the past or future,
Tenses

__________

Dear Syntax,

When I saw your missive to Capital Letters, I had to laugh. ‘Beastiality’? Really? Hahahahahaha. Don't you mean ‘bestiality’, you vile imbecile?

LMAO,
Spelling

__________

yo everybuds,

yo my mains come on chill - who care bout cap letters and dots and commas and tense and syntax man - be cool fool it gonna be alright

good vibes yall
lowercase letters

__________

Dear eejits,

What is WRONG with you?? Sweating the small stuff without a care in the world about overworked and underpaid me. Typical. All the time I am forced to work as a verb, I mean ALL THE DAMN TIME, and do you care? No. Of course not.

As if nouns don’t have enough to do being proper and improper that we should have work as bloody verbs. It is exhausting. 

So get your act together, you inept incoherent bozos, or nouns will be going on strike, and you’ll be making sentences with no nouns at all. Go ahead. Make my day.

NON-‘verb’ally yours,
Proper Noun
Union Rep for Nouns, Local 45

__________

Dear Noun,

Oh god no, don't do that, don't leave me. I am incomplete without you, you delightfully adorable improper thing you. The rest of them? Screw ‘em. We don’t need them. And I’ll never again make you dress up like a floozy verb with whips and chains. Well . . . unless you want to? Tonight? Please?

Love and kisses,
Sentence

__________

epilogue

the grammar war was long and ugly but much quieter once capital letters was seized and shot

punctuation ran off to france to become la ponctuation

sentences wallowed in the gutter with lascivious nouns

but without punctuation they slowly turned into rather long paragraphs that nobody bothered to read

and now to make matters worse

the verbs are growing restless

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About the Author

This bio was written by Jo Slade. As you can see she has written about herself in the third person. What normal person would do that? They just wouldn't. Who knows how many other persons might be involved in this thing, a second person? Another third? I worry about it. I - she - we - can't even keep it straight, this paragraph is a damn mess, there are persons all over the place. Round 'em up and shoot 'em. That's what I'd do, and by golly I think that's what Jo Slade would do as well.

Biographic nutshell: Jo has been messing around with words for a long time. Sometimes she'll just say words instead of writing them, it saves on paper.

The columns that appear here are of a highly serious and scholarly nature, therefore it is advised that you keep a dictionary and ponderous thoughts nearby.

If, after reading so many thought-provoking words, you find yourself tossing and turning at night, burning with the need to email me, just do it. I answer to [email protected]



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The views expressed are strictly those of the author and not necessarily those of Castanet. Castanet does not warrant the contents.

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