De-snark, refuel, snark

In which you will discover my resolutions for 2016, a review of 2015, some predictions for 2016, and, finally, a bit of wistful thinking.

My 2016 social media resolutions

1.  Will stop being snarky on facebook.

2.  Will feel terrible after immediately breaking the first resolution.

3.  Guilt will induce increased levels of snark.

4.  Will feel terrible again, but maybe just a bit less so.

5.  Lack of guilt will trigger good mood, causing an entire day to pass without snark.

6.  Will wake up on wrong side of the bed, snark-enabled.

7.  Will immediately seek out facebook and repeatedly break the first resolution.

8.  Snark containment restored, will not violently attack cut-and-paste-into-update madness.

9.  Oops. Will.

10. Will ‘like’ insanely stupid stuff on facebook, just to be nice.

11. Unless it is really stupid.

12. It’s really stupid. It’s going to get snarked.

13. Will refrain from posting snopes proof of bogus items.

14. Fail. Will post snopes proof but will be nice about it.

15. Fail. Will post snopes proof and be vicious.

16. Going forward, will post only pretty thoughts, haiku, and fluffy kitten videos.

17. Will project extreme kindness and goodwill.

18. Will write book on extreme kindness and goodwill.

19. Will slowly go insane from extreme kindness, goodwill, and snark-withdrawal.

20. Will rebound. Big time. God help you all. 

 

A review of 2015's top ten stupid social media habits

 1. The shame game in which one shames people for being human.

 2. The deluxe edition of shame game in which one shames people for shaming people.

 3. Photographing little kids who are scared or sad (as opposed to, say, comforting them).

 4. People who do #3 then post how much they care about suffering in the world.

 5. Gofundme drives for things people can either do without or can save for.

 6. Feel-good awareness drives on facebook that involve dedication, aka ‘liking’ a post. 

 7. Supposedly funny videos of people seriously injuring themselves.

 8. Continued condemnation of all things American (without the benefit of a mirror).

 9. Grammar show-offs blithely unaware that ‘people in glass houses’ applies to them.

10. Dog owners who post ‘oh, poor dog’ when it attacks a child.

 

A prediction: Top five stupid social media habits on the way in 2016

1. Universal complete and utter intolerance to every single thing in existence.

2. Gofundme becomes the way people get funded to buy coffee at Starbucks.

3. Parents who film their frightened children ramp it up by adding weapons for props.

4. Dog owners start facebook petitions to sue people for getting in the way of their dog’s jaws.

5. ‘Awareness’ drives grow more ‘likes’ while the ‘humane’ in ‘humanity’ continues to decline.

 

Wistful thinking: Top five trends I would really really really like to see in 2016

1. Everybody wakes up, realizes how ridiculous we’ve become, and smartens up.

2. Children filmed while frightened or sad learn how to use the camera to film parents in the throes of grief, fear or pain. The parents finally get it.

3. Gofundme is restored as a tool to help people who actually need help.

4. Canadians finally figure out how to have national pride without comparing themselves favourably against Americans. 

5. Racism will be reviled, sexism will be reviled, ageism will be reviled. Dogs will become pets again, and no longer be raised as human children. Children will be free again, not tied to the ‘safety’ of video games to keep them protected from imaginary monsters ‘out there’. Married people will find each other again, and become first to each other rather than a distant second to the kid. Social media will ‘like’ it all, and life will go on.

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.