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One of the cool things to do these days is to stage your random sarcasm with ‘said no one ever’.
“I would much rather have a glass of warm tap water than a icy cold locally made craft beer,” said no one ever.
“If I win the lottery I am going to say thanks but no thanks,” said no one ever.
I’ve dabbled in the ‘said no one ever’ schtick, because, well, why not. Until, that is, I saw it used twice in a Maclean’s magazine article, which, for a national publication, is one too many times. One might reasonably argue that it was two too many times.
“Oh get out of here, there’s no such thing as too many times for it, it’s always fun,” said no one ever.
“Well now, aren’t some people just so precious, all stuck up about such things,” said no one ever, in a bit of a huff.
“Oh really? Oh riiiight, someone like you probably uses it a dozen times in one paragraph. A short paragraph,” said no one ever, with a noticeable and not very attractive sneer.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. You should seek help, because it is obvious to everybody that you’re completely delusional . . . or what I like to call ‘an idiot’,” said no one ever, who, truth be told, was pretty tired of being a no one and yearned to be a someone. This made him bitter about things and not afraid to show it.
“Oh so I’m the idiot? Look who has their panties all in a twist,” laughed no one ever.
“You know, of course, that technically speaking we aren’t even having this conversation since we don’t exist, we’re no one,” said no one ever.
“True enough, must be sad to be a no one like you,” said no one ever.
“OMG, this is ridiculous, you’re just as much of a no one as I!” said no one ever.
“Ha ha, fooled you once, shame on me . . . no wait, that’s not right. Well anyway, shame on no one, really,” said no one ever.
“Have we filled up a column yet?” said no one ever.
“I’m not sure, hang on, let me check,” said no one ever. “Damn. No, we have a ways to go. Listen, I have to get going. I’m meeting no one soon, so hurry, let’s fill the rest of the column with something else,” said no one ever.
“But what?” said no one ever.
“How the hell should I know,” said no one ever.
“We could throw in a bunch of modern business jargon, like ‘core competency’ or something,” said no one ever.
“No, that was done in an earlier column,” said no one ever.
“Rats,” said no one ever.
“I’VE GOT IT!” said no one ever.
“I don’t believe it, how could a nobody like you have anything as lofty as an ‘idea’,” said no one ever, dripping vitriol, like a boss.
“Right, Mr. Einstein, because you have all the best ideas. Not. But seriously, don’t you see, we can just switch to doge. Very no-one, so switch,” said no one ever.
“OMG, you actually do have an idea. So idea! Like a boss!” said no one ever.
“We could do this for DAYS! Or until we run out of exclamation marks! Much days! So exclamation! Colour us, like a boss . . . hey! We can throw in a bunch of ‘like a boss’ and ‘colour me’s too!” said no one ever.
“But then how will we ever get out of here, that is going to take forever,” said no one ever.
“Hmm, could be a problem. Hold on, I think I have a way. Colour me a genius, like a boss. There’s a song, right, and it is one of those songs that gets inside your head and destroys your brain cells, you can’t get it out once it gets in. We’ll just tell people to google the song, right, and while they’re hopelessly trapped in the lyrics, we can make our escape. Colour us free of this scene, like a boss,” said no one ever.
“Oh hahaha, dude, I totally know what song you mean. ‘I Wanna Be A Cowboy’ by Boys Don’t Cry, right? That song completely mulches your brain before you even get to the last line. One minute you’re sane, next minute you’re singing for weeks on end that you wanna be a cowboy. Colour me impressed. You may be a no one, but you sure are a smart no one. Like a boss. Such cowboy. Very wow,” said no one ever.
“Hey thanks, man - colour me happy. You know what, we can even make it easier for them, we’ll post the link, bwahahaha,” said no one ever.
“I wanna be a cowboy,” said no one ever.
“And you can be my cowgirl” said no one ever.
“My name is Ted,” said no one ever.
Photo: Contributed
This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.
