Wednesday, October 1st17.2°C
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Old as dirt. Twice as gritty.

GoPro Jo

I was given a GoPro Hero 3+ Black for my birthday this year. A GoPro is not a regular camera, it is an action camera for adventure-seekers: bungee jumpers, hardcore skiers, rock climbers, extreme cyclists, scuba-divers, and sundry other kindred spirits.

 
And so, I set it up, charged it and took a picture:
 
 
That’s me, sitting at my desk. It’s extreme desk-sitting.
 
After taking the picture, the camera has been pretty much sitting on my desk. Now, an ordinary camera can sit on a desk with no issues. It just sits there. It becomes a part of the furniture. But a GoPro can’t do that, no. A GoPro sits there and constantly reminds you that you suck, that you are a deadbeat layabout lower-than-pond-scum do-nothing loser. My GoPro was glaring at me with its beady little camera eye, and it pulled no punches. It hated belonging to me.
 
I had to do something.
 
I had to find a way to be worthy of my camera.
 
So, I decided to make a GoPro video. 
 
Not just any video, though, because I really wanted to impress the camera. I decided the best way to do that was to jump out of a stratospheric balloon and plunge to my death from 24 miles above Earth. It seemed the only sure way to win the respect of my new camera. 
 
Sadly, the editing people messed up, and accidentally dubbed over the original sound with some bogus track by some guy named Felix. Here’s the dubbed version, watch it but for authenticity, watch it without sound while reading the transcript below.
 
 
Ground control: Okay, Jo, you’re 24 miles above Earth. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on. And jump. 
 
Jo: Umm, okay, just so you know, I’m not Major Tom. And looking down there, I have to say I think I’ll just make a different GoPro video that would be even better than this one. It involves sitting at my desk. Take me down. In the balloon, please. 
 
Ground control: Oh for  . . . okay, so why aren’t you jumping? Talk to me.
 
Jo: Because you’ve measured wrong. That’s not 24 miles, it’s at least 24,000 miles. And by the way, what good, exactly, is a helmet going to do when I land on my head?
 
Ground control: The helmet is rated for high-impact. You’ll be fine. Trust me. 
 
Jo: @#%$$@$%#$@#%
 
Ground control: So jump out already.
 
Jo: Yeah, that’s going to happen. Not. HEY, hold on, tell these bozos to stop pushing me! 
 
Bozos: *grunt* She’s at the edge, but man, she just won’t let go. *ow!!!* She’s attacking us, ground control! 
 
Ground control: Just throw a Bernard Callebaut chocolate out of the balloon.
 
Bozos: Really? *throws* Aaaaaand she’s out!
 
Jo: WTF!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t catch it!!!!! Wait a minute, am I OUT OF THE BALLOON??? I TOTALLY AM, OMG.
 
GoPro camera: Well it’s about bloody time you jumped. God, what a loser.
 
Jo: Oh just shut up. I wish I had given you away to the kid next door.  
 
Ground control: Oh stop sweating the small stuff, our guardian angel will take care of you.
 
Guardian angel: Hell I will. She’s on her own, I’m going for coffee.
 
Jo: I am now traveling at a speed of 20,000 miles per hour. The sound barrier is broken, and soon I’ll be broken. I’M GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!! OMG, MAKE IT STOP!
 
Ground control: Hold on, did we remember to strap on your parachute? Damn, I don’t think we did.
 
Jo: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY??????????
 
Ground control: Just kidding, hahahaha.
 
Jo: I curse you *gasp wheeze wheeze* my family curses you, and my old faithful normal camera curses you.
 
GoPro camera: Well, I have a little bitty parachute attached to ME. I guess they got their priorities right.
 
Jo: You know what, if I survive this thing, I’m going to sell you to the bedridden 98-year old down the road. Put that in your GoPro pipe and choke on it. Asshat.
 
GoPro camera: Nasty fly-by-day cow. ‘Fly-by-day’, get it? hahaha. I’m a GoPro! I’m a GoPro! You’re going to die but I’m not. Loser. 
 
Ground control: Okay you two, stop fighting, you’re still in free-fall, save your breath.
 
Jo: What breath? That stopped ages ago.
 
Ground control: Then just get a respiratory count, for god’s sake this isn’t rocket science, Jo.
 
Jo: On sure. I’m spinning like Beiber’s life, I’m going 50,000 miles an hour, and you want me to take my respiratory-freaking-rate? 
 
Ground control: Oh come on now, you’re totally stable. Well, aside from the hurtling surprisingly fast to your death bit.
 
Jo: I hate my life. 
 
Guardian Angel: Well, I’d say you’re about to solve THAT little problem.
 
Ground control: Uh-oh, looks like she’s going to miss the landing spot. She’s headed for that snake-pit. Okay, let’s pull out, people. The camera has a snake-proof casing, we’ll collect it later.
 
GoPro camera: Oh cool, who knew snakes could bite through that thick material? When’s pick up? I need a recharge.
 
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About the Author

This bio was written by Jo Slade. As you can see she has written about herself in the third person. What normal person would do that? They just wouldn't. Who knows how many other persons might be involved in this thing, a second person? Another third? I worry about it. I - she - we - can't even keep it straight, this paragraph is a damn mess, there are persons all over the place. Round 'em up and shoot 'em. That's what I'd do, and by golly I think that's what Jo Slade would do as well.

Biographic nutshell: Jo has been messing around with words for a long time. Sometimes she'll just say words instead of writing them, it saves on paper.

This column: The columns that will appear here are of a highly serious and scholarly nature, therefore it is advised that you keep a dictionary and ponderous thoughts nearby.

If, after reading the column, you find yourself tossing and turning at night, burning with the need to email me, just do it. I answer to [email protected]




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The views expressed are strictly those of the author and not necessarily those of Castanet. Castanet presents its columns "as is" and does not warrant the contents.

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