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Lawsuit accuses Megan
Bam Margera’s tour axed
For over a year, Jim and I kept our television unplugged and unwatched. Not one movie or TV show played before our delicate eyeballs. Upon our return to the world of movies, and return we surely did, one of the first things we stumbled upon was an Asylum film. The movie was called ‘100 Below Zero’ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtwmyAHTVfQ ,a gripping tale of temperatures plummeting to 100 degrees below zero with hapless scantily dressed humans running amok, looking worried and vaguely cold. That is, they ran when they weren’t falling, which they did an awful lot. Run run, fall, run, fall fall fall run run, fall, run run run, fall.
This is film-making at its best.
Photo: Contributed
Whereas I suspect Asylum, a company known as a ‘ripoff factory’, has a lot of fun making these movies, they aren’t trying to be funny, which is good because if they were, the movies would not be as enjoyable to watch. The movies are serious-but-not-too-serious ripoff mockbusters of whatever was recently a mainstream blockbuster. Asylum has their mockbuster formula down cold, and well they should, they’ve had tons of practice having produced over 100 films in the last 15 years.
Asylum doesn’t just produce mockbusters. They also have monsters, and lots of ‘em. For example, they have Megashark, a deadly creature which has been used more than once. I don’t think anybody else has a Megashark. Megashark can - and does - destroy anything in its path, it is about as mega as a thing can be, too. It is not to be mistaken for the mega whale in Moby Dick (another Asylum production), despite looking pretty much exactly the same, ie seemingly made of rubber and prone to grabbing humans while leaping over toy ships, oops, I mean real ships. I’ve seen ‘Megashark vs Crocosaurus’ (yes . . . yes, the movie is as excellent as the title), but there is also the yet-to-be-seen ‘Megashark vs the Giant Octopus’ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I16_8l0yS-g I really need to see that movie.
An Asylum movie grabs your sorry thrill-seeking self and plops you right into the movie, and you have no way to escape for 87 or 89 minutes, depending. Relax, happy camper, while you’re in there you are treated to non-stop exciting thrills:
- See a 600 foot shark swallow a 600 foot submarine.
- Meet Hitler and his henchmen at the center of the earth. Yes, really.
- Watch in amazement as a three-foot hole in a passenger airplane is easily patched with luggage, luggage so special that it not only doesn’t fly out, it actually re-pressurizes the plane.
- Watch as Navy ships fire their artillery, creating lots of smoke but not one ripple on the water.
- Thrill as WW II planes arrive from California to North Korea in about 1/2 hour. This one might seem suspect, except by the time it happens your brain is long since fried by the special effects and you’ll believe anything Asylum shows you.
- Laugh . . . errr, be terrified by the plane that stays on a collision course with Air Force One for hours, even after losing power, meandering amid high-rises, losing pressure, losing everything except its collision course with Air Force One.
- Marvel at waves traveling faster than the speed of sound.
- Rejoice as a passenger who gets sucked out of a hole in an airplane miraculously reappears back in his seat by the end of the movie.
- Note the über rough seas, with lots of people casually strolling around on deck.
- Note the dead calm seas, with lots of people unable to stand from the rolling.
At any rate, here is an incomplete list of the Asylum films we’ve seen so far. We have a long way to go:
Titanic II
A rich guy builds a replica Titanic, failing to realize that a killer iceberg is going to be stalking them almost as soon as they set out to sea.
Airplane Collision
My favourite so far. A passenger plane is on a collision course with Air Force One. The captain doesn’t know about the collision course, but nothing - nothing in this entire universe - will sway that plane from its course. It is just that kind of plane.
Nazis at the Centre of the Earth
Yes . . . yes, they are in there. And being all evil and stuff.
40 Days and 40 Nights
Megashark should have been in this film, but is not. It’s okay, there’s other stuff.
Moby Dick
He’s in this one, though! No wait, that’s Megawhale who looks just like Megashark.
500 MPH
A bit breezy out there.
100 Below Zero
Brrrr. Watch for falling people.
2012 Ice Age
Basically the same movie as 100 Below Zero except this one takes place in North America, the other takes place in Europe. But really, both take place in Cheesy Effects Land.
Megashark vs Crocosaurus
One of my favourites. Warning: Choking hazard, do not eat while watching this movie.
Photo: Contributed
Visiting their website, I discovered that Asylum used to accept ideas for future films. I am hoping they will return to this policy, because I have some ideas that might be a good fit:
Gone with the Mega-Hurricane
Scarlett O’Hara is caught between a Civil War and a mega-hurricane. Luckily tomorrow will be another day.
Megashark vs Dr. Strangelove
Will Megashark bite Dr. Strangelove’s head off?
Megashark and the Sundance Kid
An old-timey western where raindrops and megasharks keep falling on their heads.
Crocosaurus of Oz
When she sees Crocosaurus, Dorothy wonders if maybe she isn’t in Kansas anymore.
McDonalds meets Nazis at the Centre of the Earth
The Golden Arches just got real.
Larry of Arabia and the Giant Three-headed Killer Camel
Megashark needs to be in this movie to save Larry. But he isn’t, so everybody dies. Besides Megashark doesn’t roll that way, he’s no savior.
Zombie Shakespeare vs Megashark and CrocoHamlet
To B-movie or not to B-movie, that is the question.
Bill Shakespeare: Zombie Hunter
Okay, this last one is a bit unrealistic, since zombies didn’t even exist in Shakespeare’s time. Let’s keep it real, people.
Asylum films have changed my entire way of looking at movies, and it makes me glad to be back. These are classics, and not for the faint-of-heart or, for that matter, anybody with a functioning brain. You know, I think if Asylum films were a lamp, they’d be the leg lamp from Christmas Story.
This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.
