Navy officials in Ottawa have expressed frustration after discovering a new type of torpedo, purchased for our submarine fleet, will not fit into the tube as promised.

After numerous attempts at inserting the weapon, despite a lot of grunting, sweating, and lubrication, it was clear the American torpedo was simply too big and would not go in, no matter how passionately the participants in the exercise wanted it in there. Contrary to conventional wisdom and folklore, size is an issue, apparently.

This has Navy officials red-faced, since they thought for sure it was going to happen, given the amount of money that was spent leading up to the event.

The government has now announced that, instead of using torpedoes, which are messy and can leave a stain after use, the Canadian Navy will now deploy a different weapon system.

The new system combines a Threat Warning component as well as Interdiction Technology, hence its acronym - TWIT.
 

Photo: Contributed - (Flickr user, meaduva)

The TWIT Mark II consists of a (Canadian) beaver tail mounted on top of the periscope, which in turn is attached to an actuator inside the control room. 

When a threat is detected, the beaver tail is rapidly deployed, resulting in a loud “SLAP!” on the surface of the water, thus scaring away any intruders while also alerting the rest of the fleet to danger.

“This is a Canadian-designed and Canadian-built system,” said a Navy spokesman.  “Once again, Canadian ingenuity and technology have won out.”

The system has a range of 100 meters.  Within that distance, any predators are startled, such that they scurry away from the submarine and any other nearby vessels.  Outside of 100 meters, the audible sound of the tail slapping alerts nearby allies to any threat. 

It is not known how effective the system is against actual enemy submarines, ships or torpedoes, but the system is certainly better than the original TWIT Mark I, which utilized the deep-fried pastry-type of beaver tail, rather than the more durable bum leather of a real Canadian Beaver.

Canadian officials are waiting for reaction from their U.S. Navy counterparts.  However, the Americans are on record as being in favour of any type of military expenditure, particularly in Canada, since it is so rare.

In other military news, Canada’s Air Force is being praised for its contribution to NATO in the skies over Libya.

“Canada has made a major contribution to supporting the citizens of Libya in their opposition to Murmer Ghaddafi,” reports a NATO spokesman. “The Canadian CF-18’s skillfully drop bits of their aging aircraft on the enemy, and on various other places underneath their flight path.”

Damage Assessment teams on the ground report the Canadian equipment regularly beans government forces on the head with excellent accuracy. Recently, a Libyan tank commander was wounded by a radio antenna which fell off one of the Canadian fighters. Insurgents also report some landing gear and a bit of wing also caused damage to several trucks on a highway.

A government spokesman in Ottawa said, “Canadians are justifiably proud of our Air Force. Staying airborne using only chewing gum and twist ties is a testament to the skill of our pilots and ground crews. We are extremely proud of them all. We would also like to remind everyone to please remain indoors during the next flypast.”

This has been your Military Update. Stay tuned now for Bilingual Native Cape Breton Lesbian Folk Music, coming up at the top of the hour.