The woman in front of me at the grocery store express line (twelve items or less) had fifteen items. I counted. I was generous in my assessment, even with controversial items like two bunches of bananas, which I counted as one item.

She had fifteen items. She knew it. I knew it. The people behind me knew it.

As she turned and put her now empty basket into the pile with the others, she sheepishly looked at me and said, “I guess I went a little over the limit.”

“Then get out of the line you illiterate moron!” I shouted, smacking her with a National Enquirer.

I didn’t really do that. I wanted to though. I’m sure the people behind me did too.

I was buying a single bottle of shampoo (note my strict adherence to line regulations), and until I was distracted by the selfish twit in front of me, I had been quietly musing about the growing trend of putting food on our heads.

A stroll down the hair care aisle is puzzling these days, in that it seems unguent manufacturers want to cover my remaining hair with salad.

Ingredients these days include peaches, kiwis, coconuts, mangoes, oranges, cucumbers, fructises, ostriches, black forest ham, Cheez Whiz and, I think, celery.

Thinking analytically about these matters (as one does in grocery store lineups), celery does grow quickly, which would be great if this attribute were imparted to my skull. Celery is also green and grows in clumps, however, and it is these features which do not (currently) appeal to me.

The whole idea of your hair smelling nice got started with a product called ‘Jeez Your Head Smells Terrific.’ Or maybe it was ‘Hey! Your Nits are Cleared Up!’ Something like that. ‘No More Stink’ maybe.

It was yummy smelling, anyway, and beat the heck out of that baby stuff.

When I heard that girls liked boys who used it, I bought a bottle (ten cases, actually), in the jaundiced belief that it would drive women wild with passion, based purely on the smell of my noggin.

Understand, this was back when I had long hair. It was really quite nice – curly, clean, and just long enough to make you think your daughter was dating a rock musician.

I had the long hair until the day after I caused a scene at a friends wedding. It had been a hot day, we had to stand a lot during the ceremony, and I vaguely recall my vision going all wonky. I awoke in the church looking (appropriately) heavenward from between the pews.

A gentleman in the row ahead of us peered over and asked, “Is she ok?”

Off came the hair. On went a scruffy beard.

What does this have to do with shampoo? Well nothing, but I appreciate the opportunity to do a mental lather, rinse, and repeat from time to time. Thank you.

So, what can we look forward to in the world of shampoo ingredients, you ask? Personally, I hope to see hair condiments with organic or back to nature themes.

Products like Bark Mulch Conditioner or Carbon Neutral Cleanse.

How about ‘Gee Your Hair Smells Like Beans’?

Washing your hair with, say, Caesar salad might give it a fullness you had heretofore lived without. Having a head smelling of garlic just might be tantalizing.

Then again, the croutons would probably scrape your scalp, and you might get those little fish stuck in your ears when rinsing. That particular trend may take a while to catch on.

In the meantime, I’m in line to buy this Johnson and Johnson fruit salad, featuring eleven different herbs and spices.

Put down the magazine – I only have one item.