Like the rest of the world, I have been watching events unfold in Egypt with rapt fascination, and not just to laugh at the improvised helmets made from buns taped to protesters heads. 

No, I have darker thoughts…

“Department of National Defence, Private Parlez speaking bonjour hello!”

“Yes – I’d like to stage a coup, please.”

“Beg pardon?”

“I’d like to stage a coup and suspend the Constitution and take over the state-run radio and TV stations, and I could use a few tanks and armoured personnel carriers. How do we arrange that?”

“I’m sorry, sir. We don’t do that sort of thing here. This is Canada. Who would want to take over the CBC anyway? There’s a rat hole you don’t want to go down. I mean, ‘As It Happens’ is still good, and I’ve got a crush on Wendy Mesley still, but really, are you sure you want to go there? Besides, we don’t have tanks anymore anyway. I’m not even sure who has the gun this week…”

“Can I speak to a General, please? I’m going to need the support of the Generals, apparently, if this coup idea is going to work...”

“I’m sorry, sir, but why do you want to stage a coup in the first place? We have it pretty good here, you know.”

“Well, I’ve been reading about how the Mubarek family in Egypt amassed a fortune worth billions of dollars, and it started way back when there was a state of emergency, so I got to thinking…”

“If you are a student of history though, sir, you’ll also know that before you enlist the army, you need to have some sort of secret police, first. I’ll transfer you...”

“You have reached RCMP Headquarters. To file another complaint, press one…”

I hit zero a few times and got the secretary to the Commissioner.

“Yes, I need to set up a secret police force to arrest and torture my political opponents, to whom should I speak please?”

“Is this Mr. Ignatieff again?”

“No, I’m just a private citizen trying to get ahead. Who should I talk to about this sort of arrangement please?”

“I don’t think we do secret stuff any more, darn the luck. It sounds interesting, but I don’t think we can help you.”

“You’d be able to hold people up for money at airports…”

“We already do that. Nah – I don’t think we’re interested. Thanks for calling, though.”

This was not going as I had planned. I needed some way to skim money off of everything in the country, then spirit it away where no one would ever be able to trace it. Just like they do in third world countries.

Then inspiration struck and I laughed maniacally.

“Long Gun Registry, how may I direct your call which is not being monitored for training or security purposes or anything we swear no really?”

“Yes, it’s the Prime Minister’s office calling. We’re about to implement some policy changes in your program and I thought we should have a meeting…”