The Military Police busted me at the airport.

“Soldier, your uniform is mussed and you need a shave. Your overall deportment is unmilitary and I’m going to write you up for it.”

“Aw, come on Sarge – I’m being deployed to Afghanistan. Can’t you give me a break?”

“Call the number on the back of this Uniform Deportment Enforcement ticket.”

I called.

“Deportment Department.”

“Yes, I’m being deployed and I was written up for my deportment.”

“Ah. You want the Deficient Deportment Enforcement Department. Hold please.”

I held.

“Deficient Deportment Enforcement Department.”

“Yes, I’m being deployed and I got written up because of my sloppy deportment. What are my options so I don’t have a permanent record?”

“You’ll probably need an Imminent Deployment Deficient Deportment Development Deferment. I’ll transfer you.”

I was transferred.

“Imminent Deployment Deficient Deportment Development Deferment Department. How can I help you?”

“I’m being deployed and I got written up for my deportment. I don’t want a permanent record so what do I do? I’m growing despondent.”

“There is a segment in the Despondant Imminent Deployment Deficient Deportment Deferment Department regulations which pertains to this. Let me see if I can help. What’s your assignment?”

“Dependant Apartment Advancement Development Department.”

“Sounds like a permanent assignment. I’ll see if I can help.”

He called…

“Phil? Bill here. Yeah, I’m good. Jill too. Listen, I’ve got a despondent Permanent Dependant Apartment Advancement Development Department Assignment here. He got written up by some overzealous MP under Imminent Deployment Deficient Deportment Department regulations. Can we do a Displacement Deterrent order instead of the full Imminent Deployment Deficient Deportment Department Developments Deferment?...I thought so. Thanks.”

“So what’s the news?” I asked.

“As a despondent Permanent Apartment Advancement Development Department Assignment Dependant defendant under Imminent Deployment Deficient Deportment Department regulations, the full Imminent Deployment Deportment Department’s regulations don’t pertain to you. You’ll receive a Deficient Deportment Displacement Deterrent Deferment instead, since you’re in transit. You see? It all makes sense now.”

“Bottom line?”

“Good news and bad news. The good news is, you’re free to go. The bad news is, your assignment has been changed. You are now a de facto Deployment Deportment Deferment Department Detained Defendant Appellant Assignment Attendant.”

“That’s great! Say listen - I’m also looking for some ligament irritant liniment – do you know where I can get some?”

“Soldier – you’re becoming a pain in the thesaurus. You are dismissed.”