I wrote my first novella when I was in my twenties. I had written three novellas, a memoir and two musicals well before I hit forty. None of them have seen the light of day. Not because they were that bad but because I didn’t believe in myself enough to make a serious effort at getting them published. My sister Teresa asked me recently what happened to all that stuff. I told her I threw them all in the garbage.

I’ve written two more musicals over the past three or four years, both of which I’m very proud of and with any luck they will see the light of day.
I bring this up because I want to convey to aspiring writers that I understand how hard it can be. I’m not talking just about the writing, I’m talking about the part where you take the courage to show it to someone. Then you pray they don‘t take that very part of your soul, chew it up and spit it out. A trusted friend or loved one or maybe even another writer has your work and you wait and wait and wait. What’s taking them so long? It’s only a couple hundred pages, they could read it in one sitting. It’s been weeks, nobody is that busy. Then they finally hand it back to you and what do they have to say? “It wasn’t bad, you might find a publisher.” That’s it? That’s your critique? Did you even read it? Well to hell with them, I’ll send it to a big time professional publisher. And what does the pro say? He doesn’t say anything. His secretary says, ‘we do not accept unsolicited material, sorry for you trouble.’ You know what’s even worse than that? Someone who claims they never read your work and then you see traces of your ’unread’ work in their work. Yep I’ve had a hell of a learning curve over the years and then, ‘I get on my knees and pray, we don’t get fooled again!’

Maybe now you understand why I don’t like giving bad reviews and why I only attend events that I think will be good. Of course it doesn’t always work out and occasionally I’m disappointed. Such was the case this past week. I was so stoked about stumbling across a new local author that I bought her book without so much as reading the back cover. After about twenty pages however, I questioned whether or not this book had ever been read by an actual editor. Two words popped into my head: Vanity Press. For those of you who are unaware, this is a term that refers to scam artists who charge money to publish books. They prompt the would-be writer by fabricating lists of best sellers, authors and amazing reviews. Then they tell the mark that her book has been carefully examined and found worthy of their great name.

I read mostly in bed so I didn’t want to get up to Google the publisher of the book in question. Plus I still wanted to believe that this really was something special and I was just being a dummy. So I kept on reading.

Similes, creative writing 101, a comparison using like or as. She had up to four or five on a page. Some of them were interesting some were not but the shear amount of them became tedious. Another rookie mistake: the incorrect usage, tense, placement or pluralisation of big words in an attempt to make the author sound smart. The plot: relentlessly depressing, dull and not very believable. It was more like an episode of a seventies soap opera than an actual book. Her dialogue was also completely unbelievable. The exchanges between the doctor and the hero for example would have had any real doctor outraged and calling security. If the author took the time to research hospital protocol or perhaps interviewed a medical practitioner or two, then several disastrous scenes might have been avoided.

As dull as it may be, research is imperative for any kind of writing, fiction or other wise. For example when I got up the next morning after reading her manuscript, the first thing I did before beginning this review was to look up the publisher: Eloquent Books, a subsidiary of Strategic Book Publishing. It took me only a few hits before I found the following article by the SFWA, (Science Fiction Writers of America): “Below, is a list of the currently active literary agencies about which Writer Beware (an SFWA blog) has received the largest number of complaints over the years, or which, based on documentation we’ve collected, we consider to pose the most significant hazard for writers. All have two or more of the following abusive practices:

1. Fee-charging.
2. Paid editing or publishing referrals
3. Conflicts of interest
4. No or minimal track records
5. Non-standard author-agent contract terms.
6. Unprofessional practices.
7. Misrepresentation of skill or experience.”

The full list is here: Thumbs Down Agency but I’ll save you the time and tell you that Eloquent Books and their subsidiaries are among the worst.

If the author comes across this review I hope she will realize that I’m not trying to be a prick. In fact I gave her book more attention than anyone else has thus far. If her family or friends or an editor had really read it, they would have pointed out the flaws I mentioned and a whole lot more I didn’t. Not only did I read it but just to be sure I wasn’t being biased (maybe it‘s a chick thing), I had a lady friend read it. Another book worm like myself whose opinion I regard highly. She got as far as page three.

If I wanted to be a prick, I would have mentioned the author’s name and the book's title. I haven’t because I want to give her the opportunity to pull her book out of circulation before it does irreparable damage to her career. With practice (a LOT of practice) I think she might actually become a good writer some day (TV soaps perhaps) but in her heroin’s own words she, “don’t make a good first impression.” It sucks to hear but if she wants a career in writing she needs to hear it. I would highly recommend a creative writing course. There is also a great deal of literature on writing and writing techniques. Don’t give up and don’t hate me. At least I actually read it!