Friday, October 31st10.1°C
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Ad-Libbed

Dog days of summer

Hello, my fine friends, and welcome to August in the Okanagan, where the days are long and the living is easy. There are a hundred wonderful things about summer in the valley, but the one bad thing is that, when you live here and have a job, you don’t always get to enjoy it as much as you’d like.

It’s unfair, I tell you. Sometimes all you want to do is kick back, relax and enjoy the sunshine. As I write this, I realize that there’s no better person to learn the fine art of relaxation from than our household’s champion canine, a Japanese Chin-Shih Tzu cross named Superdog, who right now is laying at my feet, snoring loudly, quivering his paws in his sleep and drooling.

He doesn’t have a job to go to. He doesn’t care what day of the week it is. He doesn’t care if the dishwasher needs to be emptied. He’s just ignorantly happy and ridiculously content. His day is always the same.

6:27 a.m. – Superdog is sleeping in his custom made dog bed, no doubt dreaming of licking himself obscenely, when suddenly he hears a noise. His head snaps up. Somebody is awake! Time to swing into action! Superdog races down the hall and, skidding on all four paws, turns to look into the bathroom where he sees, to his total shock, the MASTER! This must be some sort of miracle! He has not seen the master since LAST NIGHT! YAAAAYYYY!

Superdog: Bark!

Me: Get DOWN.

 

Superdog bounds down the stairs and heads to the back door, just in case the Master is going to take him outside. It is a slim chance, he realizes, as the Master has only taken him outside for the past 3,568 consecutive mornings. But just in case, Superdog is ready!

Superdog: Bark!

Me: All right, I’m coming. RELAX!

 

Can it be? YES! This is unbelievable! The Master is going TOWARD THE DOOR! Looks like Superdog is going outside! YAAAYYYYYY!

Me: Get DOWN, dammit!

 

Now the Master has opened the door approximately three-eighths of an inch. Superdog realizes that, at this rate, it might take Master a ONE WHOLE SECOND to fully open the door. There is no time to lose. Superdog uses every ounce of his strength to charge face first into the door, exerting approximately 300,000 PSID (pounds per square inch of dog) to force the door open.

Me: What the…?!

Door: CRASH!

 

Now Superdog is now fully outside, eagerly panning left and right, his finely tuned canine senses absorbing every detail of his new environment. He’s looking for… YES! THERE IT IS! THE YARD! And it’s in EXACTLY the same place it was yesterday! This is UNBELIEVABLE!

Superdog: Bark!

 

Superdog is troubled, his mind suddenly confused. There must be some reason why he is outside, but what could it be? Scattered thoughts rattle around in his tiny brain like a marble inside an empty mayonnaise jar.

Superdog: Sniff, sniff, sniff.

Me: TODAY already.

Superdog: Sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff….(*pee*).

Me: (Sigh) THANK you.

 

What was that? Superdog’s head pops alertly. Was that a voice he just heard? Suddenly he sees…the MASTER! Has the Master been outside this whole time? This is FANTASTIC! Maybe they can both run around in circles together! YAAAYYYYYYY!

Superdog: Bark!

 

That was a few hours ago. One dog cookie, some drooling, ten minutes of advanced body-part licking, and it’s time for another nap. No guilt. No shame. No remorse. Just pure, unrepentant summertime bliss.

Lucky bugger.



Read more Ad-Libbed articles

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About the Author

Troy Berg, a.k.a. Ad-libbed, is a deceivingly ordinary fellow living in Kelowna who writes, rants, muses, and occasionally extemporizes on his blog at ad-libbed.com. Somewhere along the way, someone made the mistake of confusing him for someone funny and it may have gone to his head. He is 26%  husband, 31%  father, 24% humorist, 43% guy responsible for picking up the dog poop in the backyard, and 87% guy who never really understood how percentages work. He is tolerated by his wife, two teenage daughters, and the indefatigable Superdog.

Ad-libbed has an opinion about everything and writes about any topic that suits him. Every gripping adventure contained herein is completely riveting in his own mind, and he’d be incredibly rich and famous if it weren’t for the fact that he isn’t. He is gainfully employed as a professional computer geek and is the proud owner of his own fully-paid-for hardcover thesaurus. Encouraging comments, positive karma rays and substantial gifts of cash may be sent via his email at [email protected].




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The views expressed are strictly those of the author and not necessarily those of Castanet. Castanet presents its columns "as is" and does not warrant the contents.


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