Remember when you were a kid and it seemed like you had too much time?
I can remember being eight years old and having so much free time that I didn’t know what to do with it. Sadly, those days are long gone. According to the birth date on my driver’s license, society now legally classifies me as an “Official Grownup,” which means my days are filled with boring and time-sucking official grownup activities like going to work, misplacing my car keys, and responding to important consumer surveys from telemarketing companies.
In an effort to increase my spare time, I’ve decided to analyze my typical daily schedule to see where things are going wrong:
6:00 a.m. – Alarm goes off.
6:07 a.m., 6:14 a.m., 6:21 am, 6:28 a.m. – Alarm goes off.
6:35 a.m. – Wake up and stare at ceiling while mentally reviewing today’s to-do list.
6:42 a.m. – Alarm goes off.
6:43 a.m. – Commence shower and assorted bathroom activities, including six-minute depressed cursing at obviously-malfunctioning bathroom scale.
7:17 a.m. – Prepare quick, easy-to-make breakfast consisting of maple syrup and frozen waffles. While eating, ponder possible connection between questionable nutritional value of breakfast and the aforementioned obviously-malfunctioning bathroom scale.
7:39 a.m. – Ride bus to work. While on bus, use time productively to review current events on smart phone, carefully avoiding news stories that include the words environment, economy, Prime Minister, Canadian dollar, Middle East, election, nuclear, and “Fox News Reports.”
7:51 a.m. – Arrive at work. Plunge into the absorbing task of getting coffee.
8:27 a.m. – Meet with co-workers to discuss random but important topics concerning the current depressing condition of reality television and the approximate size of forthcoming weekend lottery draws.
9:12 a.m. – Refill Coffee
9:19 a.m. – 12:00 p.m. – Complete various work-related tasks that ensure job security. Occasionally pause to brainstorm potential topic for fresh Castanet column. Possible first line: “A funny thing happened to me today that I’m sure you all will be very interested in was…”
12:00 p.m. – Lunch
1:01 p.m. – Work some more, while subliminally awaiting further inspiration for column topic. Make mental note of revised possible opening line: “Don’t you just hate it when…”
3:12 p.m. – Coffee break.
5:02 p.m. – Knock off work and catch bus home, carefully avoiding eye contact with the crazies. En route decide on strongest column opening line yet, which now includes an exclamation mark: “Hey everyone! Have you ever had this happen?”
5:31 p.m. – 10:36 p.m. – Engage in the completion of fatherly domestic responsibilities, including such things as driving to store to buy grocery items as directed by Loving Wife, driving Youngest Daughter to tap class, driving Eldest Daughter to ballet, driving to pick up Youngest Daughter from tap class, driving to pick up Eldest Daughter from ballet, then driving back to store to pick up grocery items accidentally forgotten while at store the first time.
10:37 p.m. – Take laptop to bed and attempt to expand Castanet column into something longer than one sentence. Get depressed about how everyone in the entire world is funnier, wittier, and just overall more productive than I am.
11:27 p.m. – Turn off lights.
11:28 p.m. – Sex life.
11:29 p.m. – Commence falling asleep. Use last minutes of awake time to mentally redraft opening line of new column that I will “for sure” get around to writing tomorrow: “Coming up with things to write about in your column is hard, so it’s a good thing that a funny and interesting thing happened to me today, which was…”
11:32 p.m. – ZZZZZZZZZ
I honestly don’t know where people find the time.