Alternative headline: Paris Hilton + Chris Brown = Slow news day

Photo: Contributed - Paris Hilton

Despite their PR people’s denunciation of the rumours that Paris Hilton and Chris Brown are hooking up, it’s hard not to believe that something is going on between the two participants in this gruesome combination.

The rumours started when Paris Hilton took to Twitter and tweeted a picture of herself partying in the south of France with Mr. Breezy Chris Brown. Her Tweet read:

This is how we party in the South of France! #GoodTimes last night @chrisbrown! ! ☺♡♫ 

Hollyscoop reports:

So we've established that Chris Brown is not hanging out with his ex Rihanna, while the two just so happen to coincidentally be in the South of France at the same time -- but he is most definitely hanging out with, wait for it…. Paris Hilton (?). Paris has apparently been in the same warm weather playground for overly indulgent yachters. Perhaps she’s showing signs of a bit of self-awareness and in response took to a Twitter storm of posting pics of her partying with people we currently care way more about. Paris wants you to know that she is indeed in the South of France. Partying. With Chris Brown. She puts him in a headlock, and he smokes in her face to prove it.

In the photo, you can see Brown looking down at Paris’s chest with a big giant stogie in his mouth. Hold on while I muster up every ounce of unused Celebrity Soup sarcasm I can muster for this… almost there… wait for it… here goes: Don’t they look like such a cute couple? Awww.

Actually, if one were to create a thought bubble for Chris Brown in this photo, it would probably go something like “Hmmm, Breezy is wonderin’ if white girl right here is up for some kinky Fifty Shades of Grey sh*t where my lit cigar meets the tip of her…”

Oh come on, ladies. If you’ve read Fifty Shades of Grey (and don’t deny that you have), that last paragraph pales in comparison on the scale of literary sadomasochism.

Anyway, this is one scary combination. It’s hard to fathom that there’d be another undeserving socialite/badboy rapper pairing more collectively loathsome than Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, but here it is for the world to see. I don’t know how they managed to end up together, but the only logical solution (outside of the possibility that they deserve each other) is that both have worked with Afrojack. Hasn’t the DJ/Producer done enough harm by putting Paris in the studio to unleash more Paris Hilton music upon our poor ears? Now he may have created this monster couple (assuming of course he introduced them). Shame on you, Afrojack, but we still love you for giving Kelowna an awesome show on the May long weekend.

As I mentioned above, both parties are sticking to their story that the relationship is purely platonic, but let’s be real: we’re talking about Paris Hilton and Chris Brown – two people who aren’t exactly known for their ability to be chaste.

I’m not sure what either of these guys has to gain from this relationship, other than the odd STD and a potential beating.

Looks like everyone loses in this one.